The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Archives for January 2014

Sometimes Murder Is Not A Felony

by Leave a Comment

Storm

5 Songs

  1. White Rabbit– Jefferson Airplane
  2. I’d Really Love to See You Tonight-  England Dan and John Ford Coley
  3. Dance With Me– Orleans
  4. Secret World– Peter Gabriel
  5. Dirty Paws- Of Monsters and Men

He told me that if I started running I might not ever stop and said that if I stayed he would stand by me. Said that he would stand with me and that no matter what happened he would be there to face it together.

I thanked him for his offer and told him that what I was doing wasn’t running away because I wasn’t running towards something and not away.

He gave me a quizzical look and I shook my head because I didn’t have the energy to explain to him something that he probably couldn’t understand. Told him that I appreciated his offer and then reminded him that this was my ‘Rick moment’ and that where I was going he couldn’t go and what I was doing, he couldn’t do and then I left.

Walked away and made a point not to turn around not because it made me look cooler or tougher but because turning around would have killed my nerve and instead of walking forward I would have fallen to my knees.

Fallen down because the only thing that has kept me going is force of will and though mine is stronger than most it is not without limits and I who am willing to test them all needed a chance to rest.

A chance to exhale and breathe again because breathing is exactly what I haven’t done.

It has been months since I didn’t feel bottled up and didn’t pace like a caged animal. Months since I felt human and didn’t wonder if I would tear the limbs off of the next person who caught my ire.

This is no way to live and life is a choice.

You choose to live or you choose to exist and I cannot be the man I once was any more. Some might say he died a natural death and some might say he was murdered but that is not a game I choose to play.

Push me to give you an answer and I will tell you that sometimes murder is not a felony and that it can be a blessing but you won’t want to hear or read that. You won’t like it because society has molded and formed you, forced you into a little box and you can’t see as I do because you fear to open your eyes.

Enlightened?

I am not holier, more enlightened or smarter than you are. Not any crazier or any saner either.

All I am is someone who fell off the edge and managed not to break his neck while falling down the side of the mountain. I don’t know how or why and I don’t care.

What I know is that when I reached the bottom I lay there in a haze for longer than I care to think about and it was only after something touched me in the dark that I chose to move.

It wasn’t bravery or fear that inspired me to stand up either.

Curiosity.

It was curiosity that did it…and a full bladder.

Didn’t have the energy or time to find a proper place to make my deposit so I stood up, shuffled off the way a bit and let fly. And since we are talking about it I might add that it felt orgasmic.

That is how badly I had to pee and how good it felt.

I Don’t Need To Be Rescued

I don’t need to rescued but some of you won’t agree. Don’t need treatment of any sort. There are no mind altering substances in my body just a desperate need to purge it of the crap that I have been feeding it and a desire to restore it to what it once was.

The mind remembers what the body once could do and desires to take on Mother Nature and Father Time. It girds itself for the battle that comes and prepares to embrace the pain that is required to enjoy and appreciate restoration.

And now comes the time where we must part ways.

This boat is not big enough nor are my skills enough to support us all. My ship craft and seafaring are but enough to take me far away and over the sea.

I am not running away from you or it but running towards…

Mom Bloggers Are More Fun Because They Put Out

by 1 Comment

One dad, one sleeping baby, one hungry kid...

Have you noticed how tame the headlines have become here lately? You haven’t seen anything like How I Became A Serial Killer- Or The Headline You Hate or Mom Bloggers Are More Fun Because They Put Out until tonight, or this morning/afternoon/whatever.

Not sure why that is or if there is any rhyme or reason to it because I don’t use an editorial calendar and I rarely write down a list of ideas for posts.

Most of the time I just write whatever I feel like writing about regardless of what the headline says.

Yeah, I know that it makes some people crazy but this place isn’t for everyone. I write first for me and then for you and ultimately you benefit because if I am entertained there is a much better chance you will be too.

Parenting Teenagers

The kid who first made me a father turned 13 and had his Bar Mitzvah. Little mister, the one who helped make me a blogger by asking me not to die and who helped provide endless blog fodder is 13 and is now according to him, his sister and cousins…a teenager.

Kind of interesting to realize that I am old enough to legitimately have a teen. No one looks at me and wonders if I got my high school girlfriend pregnant or makes any sort of comment about me being too young to have a teen.

Most of the my contemporaries have kids who are younger so I get a few trailblazer questions and lately a lot of “tell me about how you planned for the Bar Mitzvah” stuff but no, “damn you look too young to have a teen.”

That is ok with me, I don’t really mind it too much. Not real keen on the hair loss and not thrilled about the metabolism, but I am not really interested in being 25 again.

I like it in concept but I don’t think in execution all of which brings me back to the teen thing. That son of mine likes to tell me that the world was different when I was his age and I like to say, “only to a point.”

Technology has changed but people haven’t.

I could tell him about the things that happened here and he would understand much of it. And though he is reluctant to talk about it the ‘girl stuff’ is no different now than it was in my day.

Technology has impacted some of it, but the basic and fundamental things haven’t changed.

Change Happens

Post by TheJackB.

A year ago I spent this time preparing to move to Texas and wondering what it would be like. I had very vague ideas about it all and tried to keep an open mind.

I couldn’t be happier that I took a chance and made the move because overall it has been nothing but positive and the effect is going to be life changing.

It is the kind of teaching moment that I will share with my children over and over again. It is important they see there are benefits to stepping outside of our comfort zones.

And especially now that little mister isn’t quite so little any more I like being able to show him the importance and benefits of being your own man.

But in spite of being able to show him the positive side it doesn’t mean there hasn’t been some push back and concern about what this means for the future,

Part of me feels badly because when my father had the same job for 38 years. I never worried about moving or big changes. I knew where I lived and it was easy to plan for for the future.

I haven’t been able to give that same gift to my kids. Doesn’t mean that I think of myself as a bad father because I don’t, but I do wish I could have done a few things differently to make the road a little less bumpy than it has been sometimes.

The Definitive Guide To Being a Dad Blogger- 2014 Edition

by 2 Comments

Scotch Night

Technically this ran in December 2011 but it didn’t have the fancy-shmancy picture in it which means no one pinned it. I probably didn’t promote it on Google Plus nor did I stumble it which means that I didn’t do many of the things that social media experts say you should do to be successful.

Fortunately we live during a time when you can revisit old posts and pretend they are new. Hell, you don’t even have to be a real blogger to write a book about blogging and to pretend you are an expert in or at it.

Of course I don’t play in the same pond as lots of the big fancy-shmancy bloggers who write for big corporations and hang out at all the blog conferences together so I am just the old goat that sits on the periphery taking the occasional pot shots at them.

Some of the comments are tongue-in-cheek and shouldn’t be viewed as serious but others are things I really do believe in. We’ll save that for a different post. In the interim if you haven’t read the words below I encourage you to do so.

They say that if you ask you shall receive and I have certainly seen that happen to me. An unnamed publisher is paying me a very handsome sum to write The Definitive Guide To Being A Dad Blogger.  If you ask me what I am happiest about I would tell you that it is a handsome sum of money and not something ugly and meaningless.

Or maybe the thing that makes me happiest is that I get to write the Definitive guide and not some cheap unauthorized knock off.  Hell yeah, Jack doesn’t roll with imitation Kate Spade bags or fake Rolex watches. I am so damn cool and suave that the Three card Monty scam artists won’t let me play because I always take their money. Not only that, but the valets pay me to park my car.

How do you like them apples.

Damn if I haven’t gone off on a tear again. I am taking the blogosphere by storm punching out high quality posts that are stamped Grade A. If these were steaks you would call them Kobe and pay exorbitant sums to eat my meat. But I am all helping the common man and woman which is why I provide these words free of charge.

How exciting. How novel. How different.

Some of you are probably wondering how I was discovered and what kind of mojo must reside in my pants pocket. Well I have to tell you that you can’t buy the sort of mojo I have and it is not because I swing to the right, left or center. It is because I am a proud American who has pulled himself up by his bootstraps and created an empire out of a mound of cyber dirt.

My kids walk tall at school and tell all their friends that I am a blogger and then they just smile. Fortunately their old enough to pronounce the word because there was a time when they said that I was a booger and that creates an entirely different sort of image than blogger.

I have so much street cred at that school that the mean mom mafia hides from me. No teacher, parent or student dare cross me because I am armed with a laptop, internet connection and fingers of fury. From my post at the coffee shop I can heap copious amounts of scorn down upon their deserving hides.

Sadly the fine folks at Maybach haven’t figured out how important I am. They don’t take my calls or return my letters and consequently you folks won’t get to read the review of my week driving a Maybach. But I see that as a good opportunity for the other automotive companies to step in.

Drop me a line and we can talk about how this mighty keyword stuffing, SEO hating, semi anonymous dad blogger can take your car for a spin and then write an amazing review that will make people want to buy your vehicle for their own magical mystery tour.  Come correct and do the right thing so that I can do the write thing. Together we can create a Revolution that won’t go Helter Skelter.

Stay tuned to this bat channel my friends and watch as I work my magic. Witness and wonder the majesty of my blogging might which I of course take ever so seriously.

Linkbait, it is whats for dinner.

Don’t Worry about The Best Times To Post

by 4 Comments

Night Fall

Maximus: Three weeks from now, I will be harvesting my crops. Imagine where you will be, and it will be so. Hold the line! Stay with me! If you find yourself alone, riding in the green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled. For you are in Elysium, and you’re already dead!
[Cavalry laughs]
Maximus: Brothers, what we do in life… echoes in eternity.

Every day  I stumble across at least one post that offers advice about the best times to post. Every day I read something that talks about when you should do something and it always seemed to be phrased as being some time during the future, but what happens if that day never comes.

What happens If you find yourself alone, riding in the green fields with the sun on your face and you realize you are already dead? Will you be able to say you lived the sort of life that you wanted to live. Will you be able to look back and know that you played every hand, swung at every pitch and did all that you could to suck the marrow out of the bones of life.

Will people say you were someone who did things or watched as others lived.

Ask me to tell you which of my posts were the most popular and which had the most impact. Ask me to tell you how to leverage that data and how to use my analytics to become more effective and influential and I’ll give you an answer.

But you won’t hear me tell you not to post during the summer, the week between Christmas and New Years or any other supposedly dead time because I don’t believe there is a dead time online or really in life.

There is only now and you don’t know who will knock on the door, click on that link or ask you to write a book/post/story for them.

Post Today

The only answer I have for you is to post today because it is all we have for certain and I would rather be the guy who was seen living than watching.

The Best Part Of Making Resolutions Is Breaking Them Part 69,691,691

by 5 Comments

Fire Extinguisher For The Budget Minded

“When I look back at the past couple of years the blog shows me that 2010 wasn’t great and  that I was hopeful 2011 would be better. Well, if you look at Words You Won’t Read you’ll see I wanted to call that post 2011- You Were a Real Motherfucker.”
The Best Part Of Making Resolutions Is Breaking Them

It is six PM on January 1 and I’m happy I didn’t have any grand resolutions to lose weight because the last few days of 2013 would have killed those.

Had ample reason to celebrate and more good food than any one person should eat and drink but old Jack Steiner knows how to celebrate and I did.

Did I mention that I destroyed my digestive system and that my whole body feels like it was worked over by angry cleveland mobsters and Guido the killer pimp from Risky Business.

Well, I don’t care it was all worth it and I would take them all on again without a second thought and I would win again because winning is what I do.

I Earned It

Go back through the last chunk of time (year I know chunk is vague) and you’ll see that this joint was filled with vows to make life better because at times it was pretty damn miserable.

It was. It was hard and it wasn’t made any easier when someone said that I pull a dark cloud along with me. I don’t know who said it, but it was said by one of my close friends and it got back to me.

Normally I don’t pay any attention to what people say but I admit that stuck with me, still curious who said it and why they didn’t say it to me. If we are that tight then they should have the guts to say it, because when you want to help a friend you do it by talking to them.

Anyhoo, I am not focusing on it because I am paying attention to winning and here to say I earned it. I got to where I am by dancing in the fire while covered in gasoline and by being a stubborn motherfucker who told the universe to be straight with me.

Well, the universe never really talked in the sort of easy to understand terms that I asked for but I think I heard something about possibility turning into opportunity and I held onto it.

What Comes Next?

The interesting thing about all this is that I can look back at 2013 and see some huge changes and feel good about much of what accomplished. If you look at the ToDo List I checked many things off of the list and now I am looking at 2014 with very different eyes.

But that doesn’t mean that the unicorn and rainbow party has started or that I know exactly what to do because I am feeling a bit uncertain about some of it. It is not the same sense of holy shit what the hell am I going to do now that occupied me before but it is enough to hold my attention.

It is a mix of where the hell should I live now and don’t worry because it will all work out kind of feeling. I suppose you can describe that as me feeling the universe patting me on the back and me turning around saying thank you, do you mind giving me just a few more details please.

I sort of think I know what is going to happen but I have been fooled before so…

What About The Blog?

I am so glad you asked. If you looked at the state of the union report I received from Jetpack you’d see that traffic was great in 2011, good in 2012 and not bad in 2013.

Don’t ask me if I am concerned about the drop or if I am going to research it because I am not. I could tell you that it is tied into changes in the Google algorithms and/or people having more platforms to distract them but I don’t know and I don’t care because there are still oodles of smart people hanging out here.

Some of the most popular posts included:

What that shows me is that the mix of content is still working for people and that has been consistent for years so…

Anyhoo, here is to a good year for all of us. May it be meaningful, magical and profitable.