The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Archives for March 2014

The Flying Clown Should Have Been On YouTube

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DSCN1211.jpg

Editor’s Note: If you are new you might not know that I am the guy who likes to tell a good story like the one about the clown or that there is a cancellation fee for unsubscribing to the blog.

Some of the stories here are soft, sentimental pieces and others are of a more whimsical nature.

A bear hug is no match for an angry man with a salami. For I took said salami and proceeded to beat him silly with it. Fortunately I was smart enough not to hit the two cops who came ostensibly to break up the fight.  It Wasn’t Worth Getting Arrested

The post you are reading now is part of a test I am running to see how some widgets are working on the blog. If I am not exhausted from playing ball I’ll be back with some new material in a few hours. In the interim enjoy the story below.

The clown was drunk, surly and horny. Or should I say that he was in dire need of shagging Tinkerbell. Ok, her name wasn’t really Tinkerbell but the performers at a kids birthday party don’t introduce themselves by their real names so you’ll forgive me if I can’t tell you whether she was Karen, Kathy, Tracey, Lacey or Stacey.

All I know is that the clown who smelled like he had taken a bath at the local liquor store told me that he wanted to play hide the salami with her. I suppose that between the stench and his words I should have told my sister to fire him immediately but I was too busy laughing at the name I had given him, The Fairy Fucker.

Little sister wouldn’t have been happy about that. She wouldn’t have smiled, chuckled, giggled or guffawed about The Fairy Fucker. No grin would have been seen on her chin, not even if I tried to tell her that the local Pro-Gay defamation league would be pissed with me for calling him The Fairy Fucker.

She was far too engrossed in being the ˜hostess with the mostess. It was my niece’s 9th birthday party and the house was filled with ten thousand screaming kids, a very nice assortment of food, Tinkerbell, music and my new friend, The Fairy Fucker.

Just thinking about it makes me giggle and maybe that explains why I didn’t kick his ass out myself. I like being an uncle. No scratch that, I love being an uncle. Maybe it is because I am 240 pounds of five year-old trapped in a man’s body. Ultimately it doesn’t matter, cuz I am really good at it and the kids love me.

So while little sister is flying around the house and yard trying to make sure that everything is just so, I am pulling out every trick in the Uncle’s Handbook. It doesn’t take long for me to be like the Pied Piper of the party. I have most of the ten thousand children kids at the party following me around, imitating everything I say and do.

I know from experience that this is not a good thing. Even though I like playing Peter Pan I know that having the lost boys trailing me is a recipe for disaster. Inside my head I start to hear Robbie the Robot start saying “Danger Will Robinson, Danger Will Robinson.” But I am in my element and I sort of ignore the robot and the red alert noise that Captain Kirk used to set off on the Enterprise.

Mere moments from now I’ll find myself face to face with little sister except she is not 12 and screaming at me because I have unplugged the phone and she can’t call our parents to tell them how evil I am.

Nope, she is pushing 40 (a fact that I repeat frequently) and she has slipped out of the hostess with the mostess mode and into I am going to kick my big brother’s ass. Well, I don’t know about you but I don’t like having my ass kicked and even though little sister may have a point that pump isn’t going anywhere near my crack.

Angry words are exchanged and we’re transported back to 1982. Just like old times our mother comes over and lays into both of us. Fun time is over and now I am angry. We go back and forth and then the argument is broken up by a scream.

Poor Tinkerbell has discovered that the balloon animal The Fairy Fucker is holding isn’t really a balloon or an animal. Little sister and I exchange a look and a millisecond later I drag the clown out the door and throw him headfirst off of the porch.

I turn and look at little sister and say ‘too bad she didn’t teach him to fly.’ In between giant gales of laughter little sister gives me a big hug and the party resumes.

Do You Run From Confrontation?

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Muhammad Ali vs. Ernie Terrell, Houston Astrodome, Houston, TX, 1967

Almost midnight and the Boss is singing about The Ghost Of Tom Joad and I thinking about the time my son asked me if we were poor.

Poor is a relative term which is my way of saying yes we were and no we weren’t. I can’t think of many moments in time where I was more ashamed/prouder/angrier and confused because I felt like I had failed.

It didn’t matter that I had gotten f*cked and that our situation  had more to do with the greed of others and that I had been forced to sell our house because I was trying to take control of life and unwilling to just hope that some things would fall into place.

My children haven’t any idea what kind of beating I took to keep us in that place. It took a toll in every way possible and if I could I would have shown the people responsible for it all the hair in the sink and the blood in the toilet but there never was anyone who was accountable.

Do You Run From Confrontation?

Someone asked me once if I feared confrontation and I had to shake my head. If you take a glance at stories about timing and suicide you might wonder but only if all you did was glance.

Because confrontation and I are good friends, perhaps tighter than we should be.

Some of the harder moments in my life have come during times when I was supposed to be patient. You know, those moments where you are told you should wait to see what happens and then react to those.

I am not a big fan of reaction. I prefer to be proactive because being reactive feels too much like I am just letting life happen to me and that is not how I want to live.

+++++

A few hours ago my daughter handed me a note from her teacher asking us to choose a date for a conference. She is a very good student but that is not just a proud father speaking, that is a report card and feedback from her teacher.

Yet something about this request bothers me and I am not sure why. I have been trying to figure out if I have noticed any strange behavior or heard any unusual stories but I can’t think of anything.

Part of me wonders if I should email her teacher and ask for some insight as to what this is about. It could be nothing, but it might be something and I would prefer to get a jump on things.

But sometimes the best course of action is to wait.

Writers and Real Life

Sometimes I think about the intersection between writing and real life. Remember how I told you about how The Shmata Queen wants to know how I never run out of material?

You know it was part of What Tools Do Writer’s Need To Be Successful? Well every time I read/watch the news I put together my own story about what is happening.

Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 turns into a horror story about pilots who fly unsuspecting victims to an island where their organs are harvested for transplant. Or it turns into an action tale of heroism under challenging circumstances.

The point is there is endless material out there to write about and ordinary life is what I use to paint upon my canvas.

And it is also why this parent/teacher conference bothers me because I want my children to have lives that are easy, wonderful and filled with magic.

I don’t want to have to answer questions about whether we are poor that are based upon terrible circumstances. It would have been much easier if he had asked why we don’t go to Hawaii like his friends and not “why are we the only ones who had to sell our house and share one for a while?”

Who Are You?

There was never a doubt in my mind about my ability to dance in the fire or take the blows that come from time to time but I never felt the need to prove I could.

And now there are days when I look in the mirror and realize the man looking back at me is very different than the one who did a while back.

That is not a bad thing, but I am still learning a bit about the new guy.

Gandalf: Well, all good stories deserve embellishment. You’ll have a tale or two to tell of your own when you come back.

Bilbo Baggins: …Can you promise that I will come back?

Gandalf: No. And if you do… you will not be the same.

What Tools Do Writer’s Need To Be Successful?

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aLibrary of Congress Classification - Reading Room

Sometimes the Shmata Queen asks me how I never run out of things to write about and I respond with “how come you never run out of things to say.”

Just before she comes at me with that big black purse of hers I smile and remind her that sometimes the jester must tease his queen and then I offer to write her poetry.

If I told you she instantly melted and demanded that I take her away I would be lying…it usually takes about ten minutes. 😉

On a serious note I think part of why I always come up with material is because I pay attention to what happens around me and I ask lots of questions. I like knowing how things work, why things are a certain way and everything in between.

And I have a very active imagination, always have.

What Tools Do Writer’s Need To Be Successful?

Every day I think about how to become a better writer and every day I ask many of the same questions you’ll find in Where Should Your Focus As A Writer Be?

If you look at my desk you’ll see a computer, headphones, Stephen King’s On Writing and On Writing Well by William Zinsser. But you’ll also find countless books and magazines scattered around as well.

My daily routine includes time to write, time to read and exercise. How much of each varies and there is no set time that each activity takes place.

All of these things are part of my writer’s tool kit. They are all part of the giant puzzle that comes with trying to become a better writer.

Words are obviously a critical part of writing too which is part of why I am an advocate for building our vocabularies.

Simple & Easily Understood

A brief comment regarding the importance of vocabularies and how we should use them. My motto for producing content is that should Simple and Easily Understood.

When you dig into the words listed below you’ll see many are unfamiliar because they are not part of the daily vernacular. If the goal is simple and easily understood you might wonder why I would include them and the answer is because language is like a big stew and stews need spice.

These words add color and spice and they help make content more compelling and memorable therefore it makes sense to use them…in small doses.

By no means is this a complete list, it is just one I have constructed over time and added to when I saw fit. If you have others you want to see added feel free to share them in the comments.

  • adjunct– Noun: A thing added to something else as a supplementary rather than an essential part. Adjective: Connected or added to something, typically in an auxiliary way: alternative or adjunct therapies
  • augur–: an official diviner of ancient Rome 2: one held to foretell events by omens
  • bete noire– a person or thing strongly detested or avoided
  • ecumenical– 1: worldwide or general in extent, influence, or application 2 a: of, relating to, or representing the whole of a body of churches
  • fait accompli– a thing accomplished and presumably irreversible
  • inveigle– to win over by wiles: entice 2: to acquire by ingenuity or flattery:wangle<inveigled her way into a promotion>
  • lagniappe– a small gift given a customer by a merchant at the time of a purchase;broadly: something given or obtained gratuitously or by way of good measure
  • poltroon– a spiritless coward
  • truckle– to act in a subservient manner
  • vacuous–: emptied of or lacking content 2: marked by lack of ideas or intelligence:stupid, inane <a vacuous mind> <a vacuous  movie> 3: devoid of serious occupation
  • vagary– an erratic, unpredictable, or extravagant manifestation, action, or notion.
  • Opsimath– N. a person who becomes a student or learner late in life.
  • Climacteric– n.1: a major turning point or critical stage
  • 2 a:menopause b: a period in the life of a male corresponding to female menopause and usually occurring with less well-defined physiological and psychological changes
  • 3: the marked and sudden rise in the respiratory rate of fruit just prior to full ripening.
  • Prolix-adj.1: unduly prolonged or drawn out: too long
  • 2:marked by or using an excess of words
  • Confluence: n. 1: a coming or flowing together, meeting, or gathering at one point
    2 a: the flowing together of two or more streams b :the place of meeting of two streams c: the combined stream formed by conjunction
  • Tendentious-adj. marked by a tendency in favor of a particular point of view.
  • esurient– hungry, greedy
  • Nugatory–1: of little or no consequence 2: having no force.
  • acatalepsy-Incomprehensibility of things; the doctrine held by the ancient Skeptic philosophers, that human knowledge never amounts to certainty, but only to probability.
  • acephalist– One who acknowledges no head or superior.
  • Raconteur-One who tells stories and anecdotes with skill and wit.
  • Callipygian-adj.Having beautifully proportioned buttocks.
  • Lachrymose-adj.
  • Weeping or inclined to weep; tearful.
  • Causing or tending to cause tears.
  • Perspicacious-adj. Having or showing penetrating mental discernment; clear-sighted.
  • Flibbertigibbet-n. A silly, scatterbrained, or garrulous person.
  • Jejune-adj. Not interesting; dull: and there pour forth jejune words and useless empty phrases (Anthony Trollope).
  • Lacking maturity; childish: surprised by their jejune responses to our problems.
  • Lacking in nutrition: a jejune diet
  • Ollendorffian– in the stilted language of foreign phrase books.
  • gerascophobia -a morbid, irrational fear of, or aversion to, growing old.
  • bathysiderodrophobia -the fear of subways, undergrounds or metros.
  • hormephobia-Fear of shock.
  • cacoethes loquendi-the irresistible urge to speak.
  • cacoethes scribendi-the irresistible urge to write
  • saudade-[Port.] yearning or longing, but more than that
  • Scaturient-L.scaturiens, p. pr. of scaturire gush out, from scatere to bubble, gush.]
  • Gushing forth; full to overflowing; effusive. [R.]
  • Walpurgisnacht1) the eve of May Day on which witches are held to ride to an appointed rendezvous
  • 2) something (as an event or situation) having a nightmarish quality
  • barlafumble[fr. parley, call for truce + ?] Scot. obs.
  • a call for a truce by one who has fallen in fighting or play; a request for a time out
  • defalcate-intr.v., -cat·ed, -cat·ing, -cates. To misuse funds; embezzle.
  • Dactylonomy-n.[Gr. da`ktylos finger + no`mos law, distribution.]
  • The art of numbering or counting by the fingers.
  • recrudesce-intr.v., -desced, -desc·ing, -desc·es.To break out anew or come into renewed activity, as after a period of quiescence.
  • videlicet– pronunciation
  • adv. (Abbr. viz.)
  • That is; namely. Used to introduce examples, lists, or items.
  • temerarious-adj. Presumptuously or recklessly daring
  • Tentiginous-[L. tentigo, -inis, a tension, lecherousness, fr. tendere, tentum, to stretch.]
  • 1. Stiff; stretched; strained. [Obs.] Johnson. 2. Lustful, or pertaining to lust. [Obs.] B. Jonson
    Urinator-n.[L., from urinari to plunge under water, to dive.]
  • One who dives under water in search of something, as for pearls; a diver.
  • usufruct-n.The right to use and enjoy the profits and advantages of something belonging to another as long as the property is not damaged or altered in any way.
  • Jackpudding-n.A merry-andrew; a buffoon.
  • Jobbernowl-n.[OE. jobbernoule, fr. jobarde a stupid fellow; cf. E. noll.]
  • A blockhead.
  • nikhedonia-fr. Nike, the Greek goddess of victory + hedoné, pleasure] the pleasure derived from anticipating success
  • quidnunckery-[fr. L. quid nunc, what now]Ânonce-word curiosity, love of news or gossip (also quid-nunc-ism)
  • mancinism-the condition of being left-handed
  • macroverbumsciolist– 1) a person who is ignorant of large words
  • 2) a person who pretends to know a word, then secretly refers to a dictionary.
  • mastigophorer-obs. a fellow worthy to be whipped.
  • matutolypea-getting up on the wrong side of the bed.
  • xenodochiophobia -the fear of foreign hospitality (worry about foreign hotels).
  • Xenodochium-n.(a) (Class. Antiq.) A house for the reception of strangers. (b) In the Middle Ages, a room in a monastery for the reception and entertainment of strangers and pilgrims, and for the relief of paupers. [Called also Xenodocheion.]
  • Knobstick-n. 1. One who refuses to join, or withdraws from, a trade union. [Cant, Eng.]
  • 2. A stick, cane, or club terminating in a knob; esp., such a stick or club used as a weapon or missile; a knobkerrie.
  • effulgence-i-FUL-juhn(t)s, noun:
  • The state of being bright and radiant; splendor; brilliance.
  • [Webster 1913 Suppl.]
  • divaricate-To diverge at a wide-angle; spread apart.
  • Otiant– idle; resting.
  • machicolation– n. apertures in parapet or floor of gallery for firing upon persons below. machicolate, v.t. furnish with these
  • Secern– To discern as separate; discriminate.
  • prothalamion -A song in celebration of a wedding; an epithalamium.
  • a capite ad calcem-From head to heel.
  • ad internecionem– To extermination.
  • Abusus non tollit usum-Wrong use does not preclude proper use.
  • ad captandum vulgus-To attract or to please the rabble.
  • Abligurition– n.[L. abligurito, fr.  abligurire to spend in luxurious indulgence; ab +ligurire to be lickerish, dainty, fr.  lingere to lick.]
  • Prodigal expense for food. [Obs.] Bailey.
  • Anililagnia– an attraction to older women.
  • Armsaye: the armhole in clothing.
  • Euneirophrenia: peace of mind after a pleasant dream.
  • Suppedaneum: foot support for crucifix victims.
  • Adfenestration: V. The act of entering through a window, usually surreptitiously.
  • Vatic-adj.Of or characteristic of a prophet; oracular.
  • pettifogger-a lawyer whose methods are petty, underhanded, or disreputable: shyster 2  one given to quibbling over trifles.

What Would You Do If You Weren’t Afraid?

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Field of Sunflowers

Fear can be a wonderful tool and a terrible master. If you channel and use the energy that comes from it you have a resource that can push you to reach a little bit higher and go a little bit farther.

But Fear the motivator can also be the Fear the jailor and it can be keep you shackled in fetters that prevent you from living the life you might otherwise live.

What would you do if didn’t fear the consequences of going for whatever it is you really want?

Do You Know The Answer?

Do you know the answer to the question and if you do, are you able to share it?

Honesty plays a big role in answering this question because I think some of us have dreams we keep in our hearts and do not  share because we fear what might happen if we said what we think.

My confession.

I know what I would do but I am not sure I am ready to take the words that are written upon my heart and share them…here.

Some it can be written down. Some it can be shared.

But there is a piece that for now remains behind closed doors because I can’t open Pandora’s Box unless I am willing to go the distance.

Or at least that is how I see it for now and until something changes that is how it will remain.

What about you? Do you know the answer to the question and if so are you willing to share it?

What would you do if you weren’t afraid of the consequences of naming your dream? Would you go for it?

Where Should Your Focus As A Writer Be?

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Bullseye

It is usually considered impolite to ask a man/woman how many people they have slept with or serviced on the first date. Most  of the time you aren’t really supposed to ask them how much they earn or how much they paid for their house either.

Nor is it considered polite to answer 10 inches flaccid, especially when your goal is to impress people with your wit and not your sarcasm.

Yet I find myself entering into the blogging equivalent of these discussions on a regular basis, except those are always tied into “how many readers do you have, how many pageviews do you get and how much do you earn from blogging?”

Those Are The Wrong Questions

It would be a lie to say I am never curious about how others are doing but I avoid those questions because they aren’t where I want to focus my time and it is not because I am ready to move beyond.

My focus should be on becoming a better writer. My focus should be on taking the fragments you see here and weave them together into one long story or make many stories out of them.

My focus should be to look at the my most popular posts (some highlighted below) and write more that are similar.

 Blogging Is Both Collective & Individual

There is no single path to success here. There is no one way to do it or get it right. When I look at the eight posts above I see very successful posts about social media/business, love, humor and parenting.

That reads to me as proof that good communication/storytelling skills are often more important than topic. You can pick something that is timely, relevant and universally interesting but if you can’t express your thoughts in a clear and compelling manner it doesn’t matter what you are writing about.

Where should your focus as a writer be?

Based on experience and what my stats show I come back to working on your skills as a storyteller with a goal of becoming better. You’ll note I didn’t say anything about becoming a master or expert wordsmith because writing is subjective and that sort of title chasing takes your eye off of the ball.

The bloggers who receive the most traffic and notoriety are not always the best or most accomplished writers.  Sometimes they are just the best marketers.

Your ability as a writer is what will distinguish you from the marketers and help you retain your readers.

Voice Is Subjective Too

We often hear/read posts about a writer’s voice and talk about finding our own. The most important lesson I ever learned about voice was not to worry about whether people will like my writing or not and to just let the words flow from my finger tips.

Some people love my writing, some hate it and some are ambivalent.

Many have criticized and complimented my style. Some tell me they love innuendo and some hate it. Some have said their favorite posts are where I have bared my soul and others have said they despise it.

There was a time when some of my posts were being stolen and used by others. When I asked them to stop they ignored me so I took a different tack.

I wrote some very graphic posts in which I made the swearing sailor look like an altar boy and then I described several sexual acts in graphic detail.

By the third day of writing about the best blow job I ever received the theft stopped and when the dust cleared most of my readers were still with me.

Some had left because they didn’t like it and others joined because they enjoyed it.

But the keystone in the arch was always about the storytelling and it still is now.

Where Should Your Focus As A Writer Be?

It is a personal question and one that can be split into multiple parts because you could talk about the business side here too and delve into how to become a better marketer.

But that is not my focus for this post.

Today it is about becoming a better writer because storytelling is the heart of the whole operation. We can worry about how to make sure our words are read another day.

What do you think?

Are You Ready To Move Beyond What If?

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Zip Line Fun at Boyne Highlands Near Petoskey Photo by Michigan Municipal League
Sometimes it is appropriate to have faith.

I believe with perfect faith in the coming of the mashiach, and though he may tarry, still I await him every day.
– Principle 12 of Rambam‘s 13 Principles of Faith

I remember standing in front of the Kotel, eyes closed mind open trying to absorb everything that was happening around me. I remember hearing אני מאמין being repeated over and over.

I remember being 16 and hearing that if I believed with perfect faith things would happen, good things, amazing things and that one day there would be a reward I couldn’t possibly conceive of because our minds weren’t capable of it. I remember being told not to worry about finding a girlfriend because there was a woman for me and when the time was right we would find each other.

All I had to do was say אני מאמין, I believe.

When Did I Stop Believing?

Did I ever have perfect faith? Did I ever buy completely and wholeheartedly into it all?

I don’t really know. There were definitely times that I didn’t but there were times that I tried. Not just in the hard times, but during moments where I thought, “well maybe.”

But maybe never ever made it to perfect. I never could let go completely and trust without a doubt the way some friends and family did.

Been thinking about it all more and more lately because of conversations with the kids. Been thinking about what my obligation is to teach them about faith.

A Different Place

I am in a different place now. My focus on life is different than it once was. There is a shift in perception and thought. Some of it is because I am letting go of Los Angeles.

My love for the city will never change. It will always be home but unless something exceptional happens my time here is limited. Texas is calling me.

I think about it every day and I am shocked by it. Never thought I would miss it like this. I need to go back.

Are You Ready To Move Beyond What If?

The boys and I have been talking our plans for the future. Been talking about our lives and sharing thoughts, ideas and dreams. Just yesterday we spent these moments talking about plans for the future and how some things would have to be put off for a while.

There is always a reason to do these things later. That reason or reasons is often valid but the longer I live the more I see and the more I see the more I realize time is short.

Parents die, contemporaries die and people much younger than I did. Things happen and you can’t plan everything because life fools you and I realize the time has come to do these things now.

“We’ll never be as young as we are tonight.”

― Chuck Palahniuk, Rant

If I have learned anything during the last five years it is that life is filled with twist and curves. If I have learned anything during the last 13 months it is that what you think is impossible often isn’t and that the improbable can happen.

But it is contingent upon your willingness to move beyond “what if.”

I could say there are moments where “what if” saved my life but I could also say there have been times where “what if” was responsible for crushing my heart.

אני מאמין, I believe my obligation to my children is to continue to work on filling my heart and soul with delight. Don’t interpret that as my asking for a license to be a hedonist. It is far from it.

It is permission to not have to earn a million dollars a year to give them the kind of life they deserve. It is permission to focus on writing, doing the kind of things that make heart and soul sing.

The time has come.

And I believe the net result will be a happier and more fulfilled Jack with a net result of becoming an even better father.

No more living and worrying about what if, those days are over.