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The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

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Archives for June 2014

Troubled Waters? What Troubles Does Water Have?

June 24, 2014 by Jack Steiner 3 Comments

Troubled Waters

Grandpa died eight years ago…today.

Eight years later I still remember the telephone call telling me to hurry to the hospital and how I did my best to will that Honda to grow wings but even if I didn’t all I have to do is read this and it all comes back.

The telephone call to my own father to tell him that his dad was gone and the calls to other family members and the guilt I felt for not stopping by the house that day because I was tired. It only would have taken a moment and I would have gotten just a few more minutes to spend with grandpa.

Grandpa wouldn’t have held it against me or been upset that I didn’t stop. He would have told me that it is a waste of energy to be concerned about that but he would have done it for me and I could do no less.

He’d tell me he lived longer than he ever expected to and ask who can complain about almost 92 years and I would smile and nod but that wouldn’t stop me from reminding him that sometimes you don’t get if you don’t ask.

The Original Photo bomber

Both of my grandfathers were the kind of storyteller we all want to be. They knew how to tell a tale that held your attention and kept you transfixed, no matter how many times you had told it before.

They are part of who I am and why I find stories so interesting.

Sometimes when I think back to that night in the hospital I remember asking grandpa to tell me one more story. Tell me again about how you hired a man to pretend to be your father because you needed him to meet with your high school principal so that you would be readmitted to school.

Tell me about how the fake father belted you in front of the principal and promised you would never get in trouble in school again.

And then I’ll tell you that part of the reason why I started my reign on terror as the original photo bomber was because it made you laugh and that made me laugh.

If you were still here I’d tell you about how my intentional wandering into photos is now called photo bombing and we’d laugh about how silly that name sounds and I’d try to convince you to help me sell my services as the original photo bomber.

You’d make sure to ask me about the kids and I’d tell you what they are doing now. It would make you smile to hear about your great-granddaughter’s exploits. She is far too smart for her own good, quick-witted and is a better writer now than I was at her age.

She has the gift.

And your great grandson, well he is something else too. He loves to hang out with my dad and I. It reminds me of when you, dad and I would watch the fights or go to a ball game.

Got to tell you that it seems really unfair they never got to spend the kind of time with you that I did and that it bothers me they have so few memories of you.

Never Bet Against A Sicilian When Death Is On The Line

I don’t know if I ever thought there would be a day when I would talk about how the Princess Bride fit into a conversation about money spent fixing the front door of a home I don’t own any more.

Eight years later and I wonder if grandpa can answer if things happen for a reason or not. I have my thoughts there and I know no matter what we do some times nothing in life goes as you planned it to.

I spent enough time with grandpa to have a good understanding of his thoughts and ideas about life. Spent enough time not just as a kid but as a grownup so we got to talk about life in a very different way from when I was a kid.

He would have enjoyed reading my blogs and would have loved The Places We’ll Go. We were kindred spirits in many ways, understood parts and pieces of each other in ways others didn’t.

That is a big part of why sometimes I wish I could share a cup of coffee and tell him what is on my mind and ask what he thinks. I’d tell him about how right now it feels like I am getting ready to crossover a long bridge and some of my concerns about going over.

Change used to be so much harder for me than it is now but even though it has become easier it doesn’t mean there aren’t times when I just want to plant my feet and do all I can to stop the earth from turning so damn fast.

Troubled Waters? What Troubles Does Water Have?

Eight years later and I am still thinking about things that would make grandpa laugh. We never lacked for serious conversation nor did we lack for laughter because we had plenty of both.

I expect if grandpa were here he would have no use for talking about The Etiquette of Unfriending and would probably wonder what use people find for social media. But I expect he would also enjoy learning more about how it led to work for me and he would definitely appreciate that I left sales and went back to writing.

And I think he’d appreciate knowing I have played around with starting a blog called Letters To Grandpa and he’d laugh when I’d tell him that I intentionally didn’t provide more details because sometimes I like aggravating people.

See you around some time Grandpa, either here or in my thoughts.

Filed Under: Life

The Truth About Fatherhood & Dreams

June 23, 2014 by Jack Steiner 4 Comments

The truth about fatherhood and dreams.
Walking into the future.

The truth about fatherhood and dreams might best lie in the hypocrisy of using such a title.

Why?

Because I dislike books, headlines, articles and all statements that aren’t tongue-in-cheek about the “truth of” something subjective like fatherhood/parenting.

Read the blogs and books about parenting and you’ll fill your boots with crap you’d be better off sending down the old porcelain bowl. That is not to say there aren’t some nuggets of gold in there and that all of the advice is awful because it is not but it is rarely black and white.

Feed your children real poison (cyanide) and they will die but give them a diet that is composed of additives, preservatives and tasty fast food burgers and it becomes much harder to determine what the outcome will be. Maybe they’ll get fat, maybe they won’t. Maybe they’ll become diabetic. Maybe they won’t.

But my interest in talking with you isn’t to poke holes in the advice we receive or hand out about food. Nah, today I want to talk about dreams, ours and our children.

What Does A Father Dream About?

He was 25 and though technically I was old enough to be his father months of playing pick-up ball with him had made me forget about the age difference.

But that didn’t stop me from giving him the kind of look that stops my children in their tracks.

“What is your deal? I didn’t ask a stupid question.”

It took a moment for me to recognize why he thought it was legitimate and to admit I might have said something similar at his age. Sounds ridiculous now but marriage and fatherhood were so far away in his mind he had never bothered to think about it.

“Many of my dreams aren’t very different from when I was a kid or when I was your age. I still want to play for the Dodgers and the Lakers and I am still convinced I could survive in the NFL and the NHL.

I want to be published. I have a bunch of books I want to write and maybe some screenplays. I want to travel around the world and live to be a 1000. I want to learn how to fly a plane, play the guitar, piano and be the conductor at The Hollywood Bowl.

Got a ton to add to that including go to the Kentucky Derby, SuperBowl, World Cup and maybe even perform The Star Spangled Banner and that is just off the top of my head.”

He just looked at me and said “that’s cool” and we walked back onto  the court to run some more.

But later that night I sat in the hot tub and thought about my dreams.

What a father dreams about isn’t necessarily any different from what many people dream about. Sure there are the dreams about my children and thoughts about how to help them achieve those but there are also those that are mine.

One of the hardest parts of parenting is trying to figure out which of your dreams you have to give up and which you have to push back chasing.

It is n0t always easy subjugating your will and desires for others.

If It Is Important To You…

There is motivational quote that suggests you will find a way to accomplish those things that are important to you and make excuses for those that are not.

I have issues with that because it suggests failure is based upon your willingness or lack thereof to do what it takes to turn those dreams into reality.

It is not always realistic or fair position to take because you can do all that lies within your power and your dream of sprouting wings and flying like an eagle isn’t going to happen.

I am never going to be 7 feet tall or even close to it so my dream of playing in the NBA has to be adjusted. There are guys who are under 6 feet who make it but they are few and far between and none of them are in their forties.

Did I not make it because I didn’t turn myself into the complete gym rat and dedicate my life to becoming so good that no team could afford to pass on me.

I don’t think so. If that is an excuse it is one I can live with.

Unless I come up with a way to buy the team chances are I need to let go of that one and maybe some of the other pro sports ones.

But some of my other dreams, well they are still possible and if I can put the time in success is probable.

Those country roads just might take me home to where I belong but the thing is I can’t do many of these things without it impacting my family so the question still comes back to what sort of sacrifices will I ask them to make so that I can chase my dreams.

Can You Compromise & Be Happy

Sunday night the girl in the picture above spent a while telling me about her dreams and talking about how she was going to make them happen.

It is the sort of conversation I love having because I want her to know that her daddy will talk with her about anything and everything. What I loved most about it was hearing that she believes she can achieve these things because I always talk with the kids about living their dreams.

But what I didn’t tell her is how some of my dreams are poking their heads up on a regular basis. They are like these little prairie dog moments that catch me when I am awake and when I am asleep.

What I keep hearing and feel vividly is her daddy needs to pay attention and has to chase some of his dreams again too. Might not be all of them but there are compromises you can make and still be happy.

The truth about fatherhood & dreams is it is different for everyone but if you want to sleep at night you need to make a point to go after at least a few of them or maybe that is just me.

 

Filed Under: Children, Life

The Places We’ll Go

June 21, 2014 by Jack Steiner 4 Comments

The Fields of Northern France #dailyshoot # Saint Omer
Fields of Gold
bodiam castle
Avast maties - The "Black Pearl" is in port.
Half Dome
Lost Dutchman State Park - Arizona
Cliff
12 segundos de oscuridad
wallaman falls IR

I know how to use words to tell a story and I know that a picture is worth a 1000 words so what you see in this post might be considered a 10,000 word plus tale about the places we’ll go.

If you click on the photos they should turn into a slideshow but know before you do that some of what you see is the actual place I want to take you and that some is a symbol or photographic representation of a place or idea I want to share with you.

Ask me to talk with you about my dreams and one of them is to become a better storyteller not just for professional but personal reasons.

It is both craft and compulsion and that is part of why I want to learn how to weave images and music into the tales I try to tale. I need to try and show you what it is I see and what it is I feel but always with the understanding I will fail more than I succeed.

Dance In The Fire For However Long It Takes

You may not ask or want me to dance in the fire but I will do it for however long it takes because it is my choice to do so and I will not allow someone else to make this decision for me.

Some decisions are far too personal in nature. Some are tied into who we are at our core and you cannot remove them without tearing out the foundation that makes us who we are.

And this I suppose is tied into the structure of the places we’ll go because life is about sharing experiences with people and creating moments in time that you can enjoy while they happen as well as afterwards.

Sometimes people ask me if I understand the difference between now and then because they wonder if I am lost reliving the Glory Days but I don’t think they always recognize my ability to do both.

I can look back and enjoy what I have been through and still be aware that was then and this is now. Sometimes is the ability to look back that provides the layer that enables me to appreciate what is happening now.

When you have been through challenges it makes whatever you have obtained because of them sweeter.

It is all tied into why I sometimes roll my eyes when people talk to me about differences and how they impact who we are friends with and who we love.

Differences in opinions and beliefs are usually part of what make people interesting to me. Sure you can find beliefs I consider extreme and create situations that make it difficult or impossible for me to like someone but those are at the corners.

And the truth is I am judgmental and intolerant of much so I always notice when I accept someone for who they are and don’t care if they like every movie or musician I do.

Politics and religion or lack there of aren’t necessarily going to be the thing that pushes you away from me or makes me pull you closer.

Possibility Leads To Opportunity

Today I look for possibilities I can turn into opportunities and think about the adventures that are waiting to be had. I smile because I feel them waiting for me to notice them and think about the stories that will come from these moments.

Some of them will be things to be written about.  Maybe those tales will include pictures and a soundtrack to help you see what we saw or maybe they won’t.

That is because sometimes the very best stories are the ones you share with just one other person and never tell to another.

Filed Under: Fragments of Fiction

How To Handle Bad Roommates

June 20, 2014 by Jack Steiner 8 Comments

Bearing failure

Someone once told me that he who laughs last laughs best. Well, I don’t know if that is true but I am about to find out. My dear roommate thought it would be funny to mess with me by posting questionable pictures of me online.

Sure Jimmy, millions of people are going to get off with those pictures. After all who doesn’t want to see a man reading a newspaper on the toilet. Ok, so it wasn’t the Wall Street Journal or the New York Times but who cares. Really, do you think that anyone is going to think less of me because I like to spend my time in the smallest room of the house reading The National Enquirer.

You never know when it might be useful to learn that the reason Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston is because he is really Angelina Jolie’s brother. How many people are cognizant of the fact that the reason why the Middle East is blowing up is because there is a war being fought between the Martians and the Venusians.

Don’t think that I haven’t noticed your passive-aggressive behavior. I may not respond to your little digs but I notice them. I don’t respond because by not doing so I piss you off more. Yes, I know that you hate the lack of reaction. You are like a freaking insecure woman who flips out because I don’t pay enough attention to you.

Has there ever been a man more in need of a blow job than you. I don’t think so. Nor is it my fault that you got arrested for hiring a tranny to take care of that need. Did you ever hear of Hugh Grant? Dude, only an idiot parks their car in a strip mall at 6 PM. It wasn’t dark out and the dry cleaner was still open. What did you think was going to happen.

I wish I could have been there to here you fumble through an excuse. I can picture the little beads of sweat forming on your head and that nervous laugh. Did you try one of your stupid jokes on the cop. Gee officer, I am not sure how that ended up in her mouth, I was trying to help her find a contact lens and somehow it sprung out.

But you are a moron and I am guessing that what prompted your anger towards me is the telephone call you heard between Dave and I. Maybe you forgot but Dave and I are in the process of rebuilding a car. When we were talking about a tranny it wasn’t about your experience but the transmission we need to rebuild that ’67 Camaro in his garage.

Damn, if I wasn’t so strapped for cash I wouldn’t be sharing a place with a dolt like you. I only wish that you could read this because I am typing slowly so that you can keep up. You, my dunderheaded friend made a serious mistake when you came after me with your Cool Hand Luke quote about a failure to communicate.

So let me communicate this. Your mother reads the Beverly Hills Newspaper Daily and she’ll see the following ad with a picture;

For Sale: One slightly used Penis Pump. Not sure when it was last cleaned, if ever. The soon to be former owner is a skinny blond man who was arrested for indecent exposure in a local strip mall.

Of course, I’ll use your cell phone and email address as contact information.

Who is laughing now big boy.

(Editor’s note: this originally ran here but without the photo. Decided to add one and see if it made a significant difference in its reception.)

Filed Under: Humor

How To Get A Mom/Dad Blogger To Sleep With You

June 19, 2014 by Jack Steiner 3 Comments

wrapped gifts under tree
Who wants some blogger swag…

Remember last September when we ran The 25 Most Annoying Bloggers & Why You Can’t Sleep With Them or the other day when we shared Everyday Is Punch A Social Media Expert In The Mouth Day?

Well I am not going to focus on either of them today nor is this going to be about bloggers who are only in the game for the swag or the attention.

But I will tell you if you want to read about the letter I signed as Seth Godin you can check out that first link because I came up with one of my favorite lines there:

In fact, I hope she does. I hope she gets you hot and bothered and then chews upon your manhood as if it were the best Coney Island hot dog she had ever found.

I don’t care if it is cheesy to reproduce that and put it in blockquotes because I don’t need your approval after all I am 45 and semi grown up.

Is This The Life You Expected?

My children asked me if this is the life I expected and I told them it is nothing like I expected, more or less. I could give you a long list of reasons why but I just don’t feel like it now but stick around and I’ll share a few things.

Every year I try to write a post about a dear friend who died at 29. Last year I called it Death Doesn’t Steal Our Memories.

Been thinking about it because my baby cousin isn’t expected to make it to her 33rd birthday. Been thinking about it because I know other stories about people who have illnesses that are supposed to be terminal and it always makes me focus on what matters.

By that I mean focus on determining what matters to me. The purpose is to isolate what I want and what I need so that I can focus upon those things.

Someone once told me that was very selfish and I agreed with them it is selfish, but I see reason to balance selfishness versus selflessness.

It is because life is short and the unexpected can turn your world upside down. I don’t have any plans to die young and if you are among the long time readers you know I expect to live to be 130. Genetics tends to favor my passing 90 without too much trouble, but you never know.

My son and I had a long talk the other day about what life was like when I was 20 and 25. He wanted to know if he would recognize me and I laughed.

I told him I am sure he would even with some of the physical differences and I told him sometimes I wish he could have seen me then.

Time travel, man what I would give for the opportunity to go back. I have wondered what my father and grandfathers were like in their twenties too.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like for us all to be in our twenties, at the height of our physical strength and to go on some adventure together.

If that doesn’t give you some sense of how my head works I don’t know what will.

Things That Matter

I had to adjust my workout the other day because something in my left arm didn’t feel quite right. Time has taught me that these mystery aches and pains don’t always disappear as quickly as they did when I was younger so I don’t always try to power through them as I once did.

It was frustrating but it got me thinking about what would have happened if I had spent the last 20 some years as a professional athlete or a farmer. What would my body be like if I hadn’t spent most of these years at a desk?

Would these mystery aches still show up? I spent so many years playing contact sports that the mileage might have caught up with me anyhow.

But maybe not. Maybe I would be different physically than I am now. Would my 19 year-old metabolism still be a memory? Would I be able to eat without consequence?

Maybe.

All told it pushes me to do what I can to improve my physical condition which while is not bad is still not close to where I want it to be. The hardest part of all that is adjusting to the current reality and not the one I want.

You can interpret that to mean not eating like I am nineteen or expecting the same physical responses to the various things that happen.

There is an upside to all this and that is life experience has made it far easier for me to figure out what matters most and take steps to focus upon those things.

Read through the blog and you’ll find lots of posts where I say people matter. It is because they do and because when you have been surprised with unexpected deaths you recognize the importance of trying to spend whatever time we have with the people you care the most about.

How To Get A Mom/Dad Blogger To Sleep With You

It is always nice to be recognized as being a blogger who has influence. It is great to see your readership increase and to be invited to participate in the blog conferences and ambassadorships.

Those things are fun and it certainly doesn’t hurt when people tell you that your post or posts touched them but the fleeing moments of euphoria that comes with that isn’t enough to keep pushing me to do this.

I thought about it all earlier today because I took a look at the blog and thought about how much work I have to do here. I want to take all the posts that are linked on the old blog here and put together a page here with TheJackB links, not to mention add all of the relevant links for the posts that were written here.

And I have to continue to sift through the old posts and weed out the broken links and add pictures to the posts that don’t have any.

Is it not because it will help my SEO efforts or make it more likely to get a writing gig elsewhere but because this place is my online home and every home requires some maintenance.

And what kind of father would I be if I didn’t work on the house cyber and otherwise.

Filed Under: Blogging

You Won’t Become Smarter But You Might Be Sexier

June 18, 2014 by Jack Steiner 6 Comments

2

I have a list of things you need to know and things you might not care to know. It is up to you whether to prove you have a longer attention span than a gnat and keep reading or not.

Yeah, I know it is not smart to insult the reader but if you have been here for a while you know I am much more specific in my insults than that.

I know what you look like bald and naked. Relax, I haven’t taken over your webcam or secretly placed spy cameras in your house or office.

Blame it on the Brady Bunch or some show I saw during the ’70s. Way back during the days of my youth I saw something that said the best way to get over stage fright was to imagine people naked or in their underwear.

Apparently it stuck with me in ways no one could have imagined because now I look at your picture and imagine you bald and naked, but not every time. Truth is that if I have done it once I probably won’t do it again unless you are bald in which case I won’t think about it unless you post a picture of yourself with hair.

Sometimes I Blog For The Joy Of Writing

Sometimes I wonder what a bridge over troubled waters really looks like and sometimes I blog for the joy of writing. I get the same feeling doing this as when I work out with weights.

There is an adrenaline rush that comes with exercising my mind and my body and since I want to improve both there is no reason not to do things that help facilitate that.

I don’t know about you but one of the most frustrating things in my life is not being published.  A man shouldn’t just write about having 39 unpublished books, he should do something about it.

Ask me to explain why I am unpublished and I’ll tell you I don’t have an agent and I haven’t gone the self publishing route. I’ll tell you that I have stories that can be turned into books.

Maybe A Gun Would Have Helped has received a ton of praise and so have a boatload of the stories included here.

Why haven’t I done more with these? Why I haven’t taken that next step?

I don’t have a precise answer. Maybe it is fear holding me back. Maybe it is something else but it doesn’t matter because I know I won’t be satisfied until I cross that line.

The only person I hold accountable for that is me.

You Won’t Become Smarter But You Might Be Sexier

The blogsosphere is crowded, cluttered and chaotic which is precisely why people tell you to focus on writing headlines that draw people in but I am not good about that.

It is not because I am incapable but because I don’t like all these rules. I don’t like all of the structures and the feeling of being shackled. Unfettered and free is how I do best but then I start to think about whether I would be better served to spend more time playing the game.

Play the game and the theory is you’ll grow your blog faster– more readers, more exposure and more opportunities. Do those things and you’ll have a better chance of being discovered and even if you aren’t there are benefits.

If you are active in trying to find an agent or to engage in self publishing there will only be benefits in having a larger platform to use to promote your work.

Someone once told me that I would find more success if I focused my writing more specifically upon one topic. Be a dad blogger, be a social media writer or be a marketing guy but just be one thing is what they offered but I couldn’t buy in.

It might be my own bias but I see merit in writers having multiple interests. People aren’t just one thing. I am not just a writer and I am not just a father. I am a son, a brother, friend and more.

Why should we limit ourselves.

Maybe it is time for me to take another crack at turning this story into something more.

One Last Comment About Blogging And Some Links

Several months ago I switched blog hosts and somehow I lost a bunch of the pictures from many of my blog posts. So now in addition to having to look for broken links I need to try to fix the posts with broken images.

It is one of those things I just don’t like doing but it makes a difference. Readers don’t care why the image or link is broken they just notice when they don’t work and it can reflect poorly upon you and your blog.

But sometimes the difference between us and them lies in taking those few extra steps forward to improve or so I think.

How about you?

  • Five Things I Know About Writing
  • Writers Write Right
  • Writers Write Right Part 2
  • Does Your Writing Ever Bore You?
  • Four Generations & A Wedding

Filed Under: Writing

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