Archives for July 2014

The 37 Most Annoying Bloggers

July 9, 2014 by Jack Steiner 8 Comments

Remember last September when we ran The 25 Most Annoying Bloggers & Why You Canâ€™t Sleep With Them?

That post may not have generated a ton of comments but it did cause multiple people to contact me and ask why I didn’t provide a list of names and blogs because they really wanted to know who I would put on the list.

As a lover of meshugehnehs, mishegoss and narishkeit I considered putting together such a list but I chose not to because I just didn’t feel like getting into that kind of flame war this time around.

I am too busy explaining to small businesses how posting promotional links on random blog posts makes them into spammers and why that can hurt their business.

Some of them have responded by thanking me and others ignored me and continued to do so. I explained to them this might not be the best way to deal with me because everyone knows when they threaten to release the kraken they are talking about me.

Gandalf!!!!!!!!

Remember when Frodo called out for Gandalf because it appeared he had lost the battle against the balrog. You know, during the big fight in the Mines of Moria?

Well I wouldn’t have fallen off of the bridge because I would have dipped, ducked and danced my way past the balrog’s defenses and kicked him right in his balrog balls.

Big old monster would have grabbed his crotch and I would have gone Three Stooges on him and poked him in the eyes and then while he was confused about holding his balrog balls or covering his balrog eyes I would have pushed him off of the bridge–end of fight.

But What About The 37 Most Annoying Bloggers

Oh hell if you really want a list it exists in my head but I am sure you have one too. I have shared thoughts about this many times and if surf through the tin cans that connect us all you’ll find a ton of posts that tell you about how to blog, how to comment, how to write and how to wipe your rear.

You didn’t really come here looking for that now did you? If you did and you really want my thoughts and advice I’ll be happy to give some of it Â to you but in not in this post.

Ok, I Â could tell to Never Bet Against A Sicilian When Death Is On The LineÂ or remind youÂ There Is No Manual For Raising Teenage BoysÂ but that only works if you are not interested inÂ An Uncertain Certainty.

What the hell do I know about anything anyway.

Yeah, old Jack is in one of those moods where it feels like I need to run with the moon. One of those moments where I wonder how much trouble I can get into and out of. One of those moods where poking the bull will probably get you trampled, gored and trampled again.

About That Huffington Post

I am thinking about writing a piece about why the Huffington Post should pay me to write for them and when they ask why I’ll them it will be good for their brand and for the exposure.

It is the same thing they tell prospective writers and turnabout is fair play so why shouldn’t I. Who is to say that they wouldn’t receive more benefit from having my content than I would by being there.

My content would fill a hole, a gap and provide access to a voice and demographic they aren’t really reaching.

In concept it might stay up forever and help their SEO efforts. My content might be the thing that cements their hold upon a certain term or term.

Ya know that one that leads to the reader who sees and clicks upon an ad that is so inspiring they place a huge order which causers the person who placed that ad to renew it and ten more just like it.

Guess there is no way to tell without testing it out. Could be true, could be false or something in between.

It is the in between stuff that has me going crazy right now.

Transitions are hard and I am in the midst of an extended one and though I have faith it will all work I am tired of feeling like I see the future through a fog.

Although there is a certain excitement that comes with that because if you adjust your perspective just a little bit that obscure picture of the future is kind of twinkly like stars lighting up the evening sky.

Does It Matter Whether You Rely Upon Intuition Or Desire?

July 8, 2014 by Jack Steiner 2 Comments

Some might accuse me of melodrama for suggesting that I can relate to this sceneÂ from the end of HancockÂ but I don’t know if they would understand the reasons why.

Can’t say that I am willing to explain the who, what, when and why of it or even the how. Suffice it to say that there have been multiple reasons and moments to make me feel like I climbed out of a coffin and jumped out of the window.

I didn’t fly out the damn thing either.

Gravity wouldn’t let me master it so I plummeted and hit the ground so damn hard all of my bones should have been shattered but then again I never did break very easily.

It is the blessing and the curse of a hard head and a determined mind.

Does It Matter Whether You Rely Upon Intuition Or Desire?

The long time readers might recall a similar conversation here.

I feel like I am revisiting moments from the past but not because I have the opportunity to relive or change them. What’s done is still done and the past is immutable but the future doesn’t have such limitations.

Those restrictions I felt before are fading and the chains that once bound me are being removed but the cost for doing so has not been inconsequential or insignificant.

These visitations with the moments I once had and the people I once knew are a chance to remember who I was and to try and orient myself on who I want to be. Don’t know if that means it is a course correction or if this is about meant to be and don’t entirely care.

Part of me wants to determine whether it is desire or intuition. Part of me wants to know so that I can look back at the children standing behind me and tell them I have discovered a secret they can use to make their lives easier.

Part of me wonders why I have placed myself in front of them because there are no bullets flying towards them and no bombs being dropped upon us.

But it is my nature to try to protect those I love and sometimes it is a struggle to remember to push them forward because they must learn some of these things on their own.

They must figure it out for themselves because the shelter of my arms will never extend as far as I might wish it would.

The Sublime & The Silly

Nature has begun to impose its will upon my teen in more visible ways than before. Some of them have been going on for Â a while but were not as obvious.

I haven’t decided yet if my ears deceive me but I think his voice has dropped a bit and though it is a long way off from mine it is clear that some change has taken place. If nothing else his vocabulary and language are far more sophisticated than they once were.

His shoulders are definitely broader and the muscle is starting to come. Now when we wrestle I feel the boy’s inexorable move towards manhood and know that though my own sun has not set it is clearly not the only star in the sky anymore.

Pride pushes me to work out harder so that for a while longer I can know his strength still cannot match my own but part of me can’t wait to see the day when I know I have to defer to him.

Don’t know if that is aÂ manÂ thing or not but I know when I think about it I can feel the presence of the men that came before me and i can almost see them smile.

Not long ago my son told me that the hair down below had really started to come in thick and I couldn’t help myself. I told him it was good and that one day he would really enjoy having his wife brush it.

His eyes bulged from his head and he told me if wives did that then he surely wasn’t getting married.

My expression must have given me away and had I not been laughing so hard there is no way he would have knocked me to the couch, but he did.

For a moment we wrestled and then he smiled at me and said, “guess I am becoming a man too.”

I smiled back at him and told him there was more to being a man than looking like a hairy ape and we both laughed again.

Things are happening now. Good things. Big things. Changes.

All I can do now is try to be in the proverbial moment and do my best to guide those changes in the direction that makes me happiest.

The universe may give a nudge or a push but I believe in free will and I believe I am doing the best I can. As I teach my children that may not always be enough to make a bad day disappear but it is enough to make it possible for me to sleep at night.

But I would be lying if I said that sometimes I wish I could see just a little bit more or that I knew for certain about some things because that would make life a little easier.

Intuition may or may not line up with desire but determination and the willingness to keep going make a difference and that is why you can jump out of the window, tumble to the ground and keep going.

I Could Be a Better Father Part II

July 7, 2014 by Jack Steiner 2 Comments

Could I be a better father? Of course I can.

Go back almost 2.5 years and read this post with me and I’ll tell you some stories about how far we have come. I’ll tell you that when I left L.A. for Texas I had a mental list in my head of things that I wanted to achieve.

A list of action items, short term goals that I was determined to hit in large part because I was scared about what would happen if I didn’t. Scared about what the impact would be on our lives and fairly certain I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror.

Turns out I didn’t have to worry about that because everything on that list has a check mark next to it. Every damn line item was crossed off because I couldn’t stomach the idea of not being able to look my kids in the eyes.

I am proud of that and every time I have a rough moment I go back to it and remind myself that small victories are the foundation of the big ones.

And I remind myself that I didn’t do it by myself or by being the smartest guy in the room. Didn’t do it because I was the luckiest either. Made it happen primarily because every time I got knocked down I got back up. Because every time I got punched in the mouth I spit out a tooth and moved forward.

One Step At A Time

This isn’t supposed to be the sort of rah rah post where I tell you how good a dad I am or humble brag. It is not one of those things where I secretly hope you congratulate me because you don’t know the details about what happened and I am not crossing that line tonight.

No, this is one of those posts where one day my kids will get to hear my voice and remember that it wasn’t always easy for me.Â There Is No Manual For Raising Teenage BoysÂ but you don’t necessarily want or need one for the good and the hard things in life.

Because the best way to learn is by doing. Sometimes it is the hardest way because you don’t figure out how hot the stove is until you touch it but once you do you don’t forget.

I want my kids to know and to remember one step at a time may feel slow but that doesn’t mean it is not steady or that we aren’t making progress. Sometimes one step at a time is the best way to go because it is how you prevent from accidentally falling onto the stove and that is always worth avoiding.

One step at a time is how we got to the place we are standing at now and it is why I am comfortable looking into the mirror to ask myself what I need to do to become a better father.

Notice the distinction between want and need. Want is simple. Want is easy.

I want more money because it will provide me with the opportunity to take more trips with the children. More trips equals more experiences and that is the kind of stuff I want to accumulate with them.

Would it be nice to have a bigger house? Sure.

Would it be nice to have a better car? Sure.

It would be nice to have all those things and more but it is the experiences that make the moments that lead to the funny stories and I want more of those.

Time Is Fleeting

When my wife was pregnant with our oldest I learned how fast time went because every freaking old person around told me that I wouldn’t believe how fast it all went.

It drove me crazy listening to it in part because I had no foundation to relate to but mostly because I wanted to enjoy whatever time I had and I felt like that was taking away from it.

What I didn’t know was how right they were.

Ten years ago I wandered around the house late at night praying that my father would be well enough to have surgery and that he would survive and meet the grandchild that was floating around inside my wife’s belly.

Had no idea if I was going to have another son or a daughter and I didn’t care. I just wanted a healthy kid and grandfather to hand them off to.

Ten years later that grand daughter has a long list of things she wants, needs and loves to tell me what my responsibilities are. Ten years later she has grown from being a baby girl with an enormous amount of hair, cute button nose and freckles into a holy terror..

Ok, I am kidding, she is not a holy terror, at least not most of the time. Just don’t ask her brother and definitely don’t tell him that I don’t think my middle sister and I really stopped fighting until she was around 21.

Don’t know why that was, it just happened. We got along pretty well, but when we didn’t, well it is good she is a girl because I would have killed a brother for the crap she pulled.

But those moments, the good and the bad are all part of my memories and part of what made me who I am. Those memories are ones I cherish and that is part of why I want my kids to have their own set too.

It feels a bit surreal to look back and see how much has happened. We’re almost completely finished with elementary school and in a year I’ll be the father of a high school student.

Excuse me while I say fuck, shit and a bunch of other stuff. Ya know all that crap about how fast it goes and how I remember my dad before heÂ got old.

My kids call me old now and I laugh, they have no idea but I can smell the embers of the fire of the fire that I’ll burn one day when I am a much older man than I am now.

Used to be that I would say that with a smirk because it was so far off I couldn’t see it and yet now, it is not quite the same. Still far away, still very far and yet I know how time can be like an accordion and how quickly the air can be compressed.

I don’t have time to say I could. I need to figure out how to do those things now and I need to remember that I am getting it done.

What about you?

Stormtroopers Twerking

July 6, 2014 by Jack Steiner 15 Comments

Mirror, Mirror

I wonder who puts a ‘Jesus Saves’ bumper sticker on an $100,000 car.

Truth is I can’t say for certain how much that car costs but I know enough to make an educated guess and it is definitely more than the two baristas working the counter collectivelyÂ earn each year

Some Texans might hear this story and think that only someone from L.A. would think about how much a car would cost while some Angelenos would say that only in Texas would someone put a ‘Jesus Saves’ Â bumper sticker on a luxury car.

None of this of particular significance or import. It has about the same meaning as trying to figure out if I a stormtrooper is smiling or frowning.

Don’t ask me why I think about that or how every time I see stormtroopers twerking I wonder if they are enjoying it or if it is just part of the job.

I am parked on my ass in the far corner of the shop, tempted to sit outside and enjoy some of the vaunted Texas sun but not interested in smelling like I smoked a pack of Marlboros.

The memory of my last visit here still sitting in the back of my mind wondering if either of the kids at the counter recognized me, but certain even if they didn’t they heard about that moment.

There is a certain amount of pleasure taken in saying it took three officers and a love tap from the stick to put those silver bracelets upon your wrists but upon general reflection the amount of time it took for the bruises to go makes you realize it just wasn’t worth it.

You don’t have to ask your mom what she thinks about your having politely asked the guy in the hat to stop smoking because she will say you should have walked away.

Dad is stuck between a rock and a hard place because part of him is proud of his son. He understands that when someone tosses a coffee at you there is going to be a response and he secretly loves that guy requires the use of a straw and a crutch.

But he still wants to know when you are going to realize that your hell raising days should be long behind you and wonders if you have figured out that dumb luck is what prevented your own serious injury.

You tell him that ‘Jesus Saves’ and he glares at you because nice Jewish boys don’t say that kind of thing but mostly because he is not interested in sarcasm or snark.

“Sorry dad, I shouldn’t have said that. I probably should have walked away but the coffee was just hot enough to burn and that shit eating grin on his face made it clear I am not the first person he has done this too.”

Dad nod his head and asks how many times I have ever seen someone drinking from a real glass at one of these coffee shops.

“I don’t know. I think he was using a paper cup and that is what he hit me with but the mug I hit him with, well I think it might have belonged to the lady sitting with him.”

Can’t tell you if that guy has ever been hit with a mug or any sort of glass object before but it wasn’t like one of those saloon fights you see in old Westerns.

That mug didn’t break until the second time I hit him with it. If I was a tennis player I would have described it as being a forehand followed by a backhand.

I have to give him credit for being tougher than I expected because he still managed to get up and come after me. I wanted to throw his ass over the counter or through the plate glass window but I couldn’t quite manage to do that and protect myself from the guy who had grabbed me from behind.

Thankfully the judge said I wasn’t fully responsible for that guys injuries because he inserted himself into the middle of things. I am not quite sure if that means I am responsible for just the stitches he received or from breaking his arm and hand.

Folsom Prison

And I still haven’t figured out yet if someone was playing Folsom Prison blues or if I just heard it in my head.

I probably should be grateful that I didn’t end up getting to see the inside of somewhere unpleasant like that. Truth is I didn’t try to kill that guy but I can’t say I would have been upset if I had or that I feel badly about busting him up.

When I asked him to stop blowing smoke in my face I said please and did so with a smile on my face. Maybe I am morally flawed or have some other issue but when you poke the bear you risk getting mauled.

Anyway all that happened just long enough ago to feel far away but not so long for it not to still be vivid in my head.

Got my coffee in my hands, earbuds in my ear and some mix of relaxing classical tunes to keep me smiling.

Of course the secret anger that lies just beneath the surface isn’t such a secret anymore and the more rational parts of me wonder if coming here is like playing with fire.

Mozart fills my head and I look up in time make eye contact with the barista who made my drink. He is not the guy who took my order.

That guy had no idea who I was but this one clearly does. I can see in his eyes that he recognizes me and that he is trying to play it cool.

Dude just pulled his cellphone out of his pocket and I am curious to see what he is going to do with it.

As he starts to dial it occurs to me that I probably have that look on my face and that it is not going to make the kid think of me as being like a friendly uncle.

I probably should just leave but that voice that always told me to keep pushing the envelope says I should wait and see what happens.

A few minutes later a police car pulls into the parking lot and now I am curious why they are there. Might not have anything to do with me, but then again it might.

Now the decision is made. I am not leaving until I am good and ready to go.

The first officer opens the door, takes off his sunglasses and looks right at me. Guess in a moment I’ll know for certain why they are there.

There Is No Manual For Raising Teenage Boys

July 4, 2014 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

“Change is hard and I am not always good at accepting it. It comes from being a fighter and a scrapper of the first order. There are things, people and places that I remember. There are moments in time that are seared upon my soul and try as I might they donâ€™t just disappear and I donâ€™t just let go. There arenâ€™t very many of them, but the very few that make the cut are deep. They burn and they ache and I am too stubborn not to wade into the deeper waters. I seek out the places where the fire burns brightest and I jam my hand inside the flame.

I stand there withÂ my jaw clenched, sweat pouring down my brow and refuse to utter a sound. But the echoes of silence inside my head continue to reverberate and there is no place to hide. Inside I stand in front of my accuser and nod my head as the charges are read.Â I am, I said and I did. I went. I was and I wouldâ€¦again.”Â The Naked Truth

The Naked Truth Should Be Unvarnished

There is no manual for raising teenage boys so I am doing the best I can. I listen to his stories and try to make sure I really hear his concerns and then surf back in time to the place where I was the same age as he is now.

Sometimes I feel like I turn the wheel all the way back and the man I am now is the boy I once was. More capable of understanding the fears he has about where he is at and more likely to relate to some of the other stuff I nod my head because I get it.

But sometimes there is no way to bridge the gap and I wonder what world he is living in and ask myself what the hell I did wrong because it makes no sense for him to complain.

He has clothes on his back, a roof over his head and food in his belly. He has already done and seen more than I had at the same age so I wonder how I failed to instill more gratitude in him.

Alone with my thoughts I stare at the ceiling and try to figure out how I fucked up and what I can do to correct it because I can’t stomach some of the things that are happening, can’t stand to see or hear it and then I take a deep breath and wonder if maybe I am being unreasonable.

My eyes are closed and I am working hard to spin the wheel again. I need to get back to 1983 and need to try to see who I was as best I can because I need to figure it out.

I need to figure out if maybe I am making myself crazy about nothing or if maybe there is something unusual going on.

That boy that I used to be feels me searching for him and he has no more interest in being interrogated by the man I have become than he did by anyone so he gives me the finger and disappears into the dark.

I feel waves of anger and fear radiating from a corner and I know I have found him.

Concept Of Man Holding iPad In Front Of Face With Clouds And Countryside

The Past and The Present

He steps out of the shadows, chest puffed out and defiantly pushes a finger into my chest.

“You got fat. You got bald and you got stupid.”

He hasn’t figured out there is power in silence so I say nothing and wait.

“You are just another old guy who thinks you know something but you don’t. You swore we would be more than some old fuck. You promised that we’d be cool, in shape and playing for the Dodgers or at least the Lakers.

“I could put a bullet in my head. Could jump off of a bridge or play in traffic and then what would you have. You’d be a real ghost and there’d be no Â one to listen to your insecure whispers.

He doesn’t respond, just shakes his head at me and I wonder if maybe he knows something more than I do. It is not supposed to be that way.

“Old, fat and stupid.”

Before I can respond he slips back into the shadows and this time he is truly gone. I hear the echoes of his accusations and wonder about the truth of his words.

I am doing my best to be the father I want to be and to live the kind of life I want but right now it just feels like I am coming up short.

In spite of my attempt to coax him back for one more conversation there are no responses and as my eyes close I think I hear someone laughing.

Can’t say if I am dreaming but I must be because both of my grandfathers are with me. The three of us areÂ standing at the lake, smoking cigars and talking or at least I think we are.

I can’t hear their words but I know that they hear mine and just as I am about to hear their words of wisdom I notice that I can see my reflection in the lake but I can’t see theirs.

Gonna Make You Sweat

My grandfathers are gone and I am in the middle of some dance floor trying to figure out how the hell I got here. Something is off and I know it but I can’t quite figure it out.

Gonna Make You Sweat is playing and we are all dancing to it. It feels like I am with the guys from the house but I am not sure, can’t figure it out Â but they should be here. If I have moved back in time and this is playing they have to be here but I can’t see them.

Some woman is dancing with me but I can’t make out her face, it is too dark. She is moving perfectly with me and now I am really confused because it has never been this perfect. I can two step and slow dance well enough to make a woman smile but dancing faster, well I have never been this good.

I catch my reflection in the mirror and wonder if I am stuck in some sort of fun house because it keeps alternating between a big guy and a little one.

It almost looks like the big version is morphing into the little one and I begin to wonder if it is really that easy to get back into shape.

That teenage boy comes from out of the shadows and surprises me. He tells me I am doing a better job than I an realize and reminds me that we made it.

“Have faith in your abilities and think about all those silly and stupid moments. We made it through those and we’ll make it through this one too.”

I nod and smile at him but I am silent because I just don’t know what to say.

He puts a hand on my shoulder and tells me I have this. I find my voice long enough to ask how and when he says “because we know you do” I hear my grandfathers’ voices.

How To Keep Your Holiday Picnic Pest Free

July 3, 2014 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

“Daddy, these pests are wrecking our picnic. What can we do to get rid of them? I hate them!”

I looked down into my little girl’s dark brown eyes, moved the hair out of her eyes and told her not to worry about pests.

“I know exactly how to deal with those flies. I am going to get eightÂ giant spiders and positions and instruct them to man the perimeter and feast upon any sort of flying bug that dares come close to our picnic.”

That led to what I wanted to think of as a squeal of approval so I asked her if I could tell the spiders to take care of a couple of her uncles too. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try and rid the world of more than one kind of pest but she groaned and told me that she didn’t think it was funny.

“Spiders are nasty daddy and you need to be nice to family. Remember, you always tell me and Jack we have to be nice to each other because we are family.”

I nodded and smiled. Most of the time the brother-in-laws are ‘good people’ but every now and then the one does something that makes me think sticking him in cage with a giant spider might improve his attitude.

My daughter is correct. I have talked with her and her brother about the importance of family and why they should try harder to get along. Of course I chose to bring my kids into my life but I can’t say the same about the BIL who needs the attitude adjustment, but that is ok because he was my sister’s choice and I don’t have to live with him.

How To Keep Your Holiday Picnic Pest Free

A good dad learns early on that he has many different roles. Sometimes it is chef, sometimes it is doctor, sometimes it is negotiatorÂ and sometimes it is bodyguard/secret service team leader.

Smart fathers understand that if you fail to plan you plan to fail so when they set up picnics and barbecues they do more than make sure the food, fun and games are taken care of.

They make sure there is a way to deal with unwanted pests.

That is why when I was given the opportunity to host a giveaway for the Bug-A-Salt fly swatter I decided it was too good an opportunity to pass up.

Due to technical difficulties (read the SD card crashed) I don’t have shots ofÂ me laying down the law on the houseflies and assorted pests that tried to horn in on our family meal the other day.

I can tell you they rued the day when they flew within range of my salt cannon.

But the really good news dear reader is that one of you is going to be bestowed with the same powers. Yes, we are giving away a Bug-A-Salt.

All you need to do is leave a comment and then we’ll pull a name out of the Internet hat and one of you will becomeÂ a Â master of pest control.

Want to know more, see more about how it all works? Check out the video below!

Remember, to enter the giveaway all you have to do is leave a comment.

Per FTC rules you should know I received a Bug-A-Salt fly swatter as compensation for this post.