Archives for April 2016

It is well past midnight and I am somewhere between Led Zeppelin’s I’m Gonna Crawl and Natalie Maines cover of Jeff Buckley’s “Lover, You Should’ve Come Over.”

Lost in thought again about whether things happen for a reason I move between reading my book back to the computer to write and check my stats I see someone has been reading Life Is Meant To Be Traveled Along The Field Of Dreams and I smile.

Been a while since I wrote that post but the timing is perfect and it fits the moment because the thing that has been chasing me has almost caught up and I know when it does for a moment we will Share The Private Secrets Of The Universe.

Can’t say if it will come during daylight or night, but I hope it is more than just a dream and thatI can remember it all because something tells me I’ll gain more clarity and insight about what life is about, at least for me.

So I lean back in my chair, smile again and wonder if things happen for a reason knowing full well I believe they do and swear they don’t.

I didn’t want to leave Texas and go back to LA.

Was desperate to see my children and to be dad in person and not by telephone but knew that I was living in the future I was trying to build and that going back would impact that.

Knew that even though I wasn’t truly going backwards in time in some ways it would be like I had and yet the only way to move towards the future was to do that.

Contradictions, life is full of them and sometimes doing the right thing for one means hurting another.

But you know old Jack Steiner hadn’t been humbled enough by life to believe that he couldn’t change things, make them happen by force of will and he tried.

Got slapped down, got back up and got slapped down…again.

Happened multiple times and though I teach my children to work smarter and not harder I am not good at taking my own advice.

So when they dumped gasoline over my head and threw me in the abyss I screamed “Fuck you, I’ll dance in the flames and build a ladder.”

And I did.

But by the time I managed to get out I found out that everything had changed and began to wonder if maybe I had made a mistake.

Wondered if maybe it wasn’t smarter to ignore all I had thought I knew and felt and to just take a different path.

After all I teach the kids to be prepared to pivot, duck, dance and adjust their way through the moments of life.

Why Is This Night Different From All Other Nights?

Sat next to my mother and down the way from my father at the first seder and tried to figure out how far back I could remember.

Closed my eyes and saw my grandparents, great-grandfather and great-grandmothers sitting around the table at my parent’s house and remembered 1974 or ’73.

Pulled up the memories of their voices and heard the echoes of accents and wondered what they would think if they could see me now.

Would I look anything like they imagined I might?

What would they think of my children and the lives we live today?

What advice or guidance would they share?

Got my thoughts and ideas but I don’t expect I’ll let you know if I ever receive confirmation. Don’t know that you would believe it if I said I did and am not sure if I would want to share it.

*****

We go around the table and share the story of our ancestors and their exodus from Egypt. Part way through our meal we have the usual conversation about why 40 years of wandering through the desert is required.

The usual conversation about the importance of losing the slave mentality and learning to think for ourselves comes up and I know this part of is of particular importance.

It is another reminder about where I was and where I am going. Time was I might have seen that as being tied into a selfish and narcissistic moment but that is not how it feels today.

Why You Can’t See The Future

The kids and I have a conversation about how nice it would be if we could see the future and know what is going to happen.

I tell them the reason you can’t see the future is because if you knew what was coming you might not learn the lessons that you need to learn.

You might not force yourself to grow and you might be stuck with that slave mentality forever.

Don’t think they understand or appreciate it like I do and that is ok.

They haven’t lived as long or done as much and that is cool too. They are kids, they aren’t supposed to have the same experience.

Their journey has just started and I am somewhere around the middle.

*****

The Beach Boys are singing God Only Knows and I am trying to wrap this up because I can’t keep going to sleep at 2 AM.

Got a mixture of fear and excitement stirring in my belly and a sense that the best is yet to come. Can’t wait to see what lies beyond that next corner, I bet it is going to be great.

Editor’s note:  Special thanks to Kenya who suggested I link up with Finish the Sentence Friday prompt: When it comes to sharing online..

I stumbled across The Death Of A Blogger and was dismayed by what I found there because it felt like wandering into the past was no different than wandering around the present.

But I took a moment to think about what I saw and to ask myself about what I felt and I remembered this has been a journey through along the long and winding road.

And journeys that do not go along straight lines do not lend themselves to measurement, at least not the quick and easy kind such as you might find on your automobile’s odometer.

You can’t look backwards and see where you have been nor can you see far enough past the clouds to know how far you have to go.

It is a spiral staircase you walk and sometimes that means you feel like you are moving backwards even when you might be pushing ahead.

Words are the death and the lifeblood of a blogger and sometimes I forget to remind myself of  the importance of remembering this.

Jack, No One Understands You

Those were the words in the email and the comment.

They were part of a bigger push by someone who said they didn’t like my writing and wondered why I would “pollute the world” with my words.

I don’t remember when I received that particular note any more than I remember the dates and times I received some of the other compliments that have come courtesy of blogging.

Some of those comments made me laugh because they were ridiculous and some of them made me shake my head in disbelief or anger.

I have spent a good part of my life feeling like I was on the outside looking in so telling me no one understands me isn’t something that I’ll argue with.

It is not because I agree or disagree but because I don’t care what most people think. We are all a little out there and though it would be nice to be the cool sneetch with the star everywhere I go that is not how life works.

We are all a little out there and though it would be nice to be the cool sneetch with the star everywhere I go that is not how life works.

But the part that really makes me smile is the idea that someone thinks I’ll quit because they say no one understands me.

If anything it demonstrates they don’t understand me or recognize I take pride in marching to the beat of a drummer who has no rhythm.

It has taken a long time to become this guy and I am not about to cry because some nameless, faceless troll says something.

Twelve Years Of Blogging

I haven’t begun working on my blogiversary post but I have thought about it a little bit.

Thought a bit about what I have learned and what I want to share. Thought about how many blogs I have seen come and go and how I am still here.

I take pride in that. It may not be meaningful or significant to others but it works for me and that is the kind of lesson I want my children to learn.

Part of the journey is to focus on figuring out what soothes our soul and feeds our heart. It is figuring out what brings us joy and doing what we can to drink deeply out of that bottle as frequently and as often as we can.

I want them to recognize that we are all different and that it is ok to have different interests/focus than our friends and family.

If you are not hurting yourself or others…go for it.

Feed your heart. Feed your soul.

That is an integral part of what keeps you/us alive.

If you have never kissed another and forgotten where your lips start and theirs end you have never really kissed another.

I strongly urge you to rectify that one day…or another.

I can tell you one kiss and nothing was ever the same but whether it wrecked or created me, well that is not for you and I to discuss.

The Two Most Important Lessons

You must figure out how to have fun and you must figure out how to write without fear.

Remove doubt and uncertainty about whether your posts will be loved and appreciated and just write. Put pen to paper, finger to keyboard and punch out the posts.

You miss every shot you don’t take and lose every opportunity you don’t make for yourself. I know it sounds like goofy new age stuff but it is really not.

No one knows who is going to come along and read their words or how those words will impact them.

Some of the best stuff I have ever written has been ignored and skipped over. And some of the weakest words I have ever laid down have been described as amazing.

You can’t say and you don’t know how it will go so you need to just write.

Storyteller and Storytelling

When my kids ask me who I am trying to become I say a storyteller whose life is about storytelling.

And then I tell them to be ok with walking their own winding road and understanding they don’t have to find their passion today, tomorrow or next week.

I tell them it might take some time to discover it and that life is about experiments and journeys.

Kind of funny to hear me say that because the guy who wrote about the death of a blogger would have called it bullshit and the man I am today, well he doesn’t.

That is because he has lived and learned more than he ever could have imagined. Eight years later I can say that I feel like my life was a jigsaw puzzle that was pulled apart and thrown around.

But the pieces that used to fit don’t so part of the journey is finding new ones that do.

Dad needs to create the World’s Greatest LinkedIn profile to go alongside the best cover letter ever.

Why?

Isn’t the answer self-explanatory?

The damn lottery people keep forgetting to send me the winning numbers and since my real name isn’t Bill Gates, Sam Walton, Rockefeller or Andrew Carnegie I need to do better than get an ordinary job.

The good news is I am currently employed but the less good is that it is beginning to look like I need to look into making a move to something that does a better job of soothing my soul, feeding my heart and adding to my bank account.

When I Grow Up

One of the many reasons why this blog exists is because it is a nifty repository of thoughts, ideas and stories.

Way back in ’08 I wrote a post called When I Grow Up where I talked a bit about what I wanted to be when I grew up.

Looked at it for the first time in years and smiled at the memories and realized the man who wrote is…gone.

Ok, I wrote it and I am very much alive but the thoughts and ideas I had back then made me smile because they are dated.

I have been on one hell of a journey and have come so very far but have farther yet to go.

But I can answer Tim Mcgraw’s question about how bad I want it.

There are moments in a parent’s life where you wonder where you went wrong and moments where you realize you did something right.

I had both of those moments, first on Saturday night and then one late Sunday afternoon.

The first came after a particularly disagreeable moment with my teenager and the second came the day after when he apologized for what he had said.

I hadn’t realized how angry and hurt I was and I was more than pleased by his recognition of what had taken place.

“You may not recognize how seriously I take what you and your sister say. I will always do my best to do the right thing for us. It may not always make sense to you but I try hard to take you guys into account.”

He nodded his head and I thanked him again for the apology and he asked me to tell him more about what is going on.

I quoted Take it Easy and told him I wasn’t always good about not letting the sound of my own wheels make me crazy.

How To Avoid Making Mistakes

“Dad, you always tell me to try not to make dumb mistakes. How do you do it?”

I laughed and told him I could tell him how to avoid making mistakes.

“Hold your breath for as long as you can and then accept that once you exhale you’ll make a mistake.”

He shook his head at me and I told him he already knew that there is no way to avoid making mistakes.

“All you can do is make the best decision you can about a situation knowing that you have limited information about it.”

I followed up on that by telling him I think it might be time for me to do a little sniffing around the job market and to think about finding a new opportunity.

“How do you tell if it is better than what you have?”

“Sometimes it is easy to distinguish between two positions based upon compensation or upon what the requirements of the positions are, but sometimes it is not that simple.

Sometimes you can’t tell without making a move and taking a risk. But that is life, that is how it goes.”

I have a vision of the life I want to live and the places/people I want to live it in and with.

Ask me why I need the World’s Greatest LinkedIn profile and I’ll tell you it is because it is damn hard to get a person to spend real time looking at your resume.

It is damn hard getting hard because the keyword search screening that doesn’t have the ability to recognize transferable skills that you have acquired over years of hard work.

Sometimes you need a little help getting in front of a person so that you can explain that you have the personal and professional skills they need to fill that position.

So that profile is just another tool you can use to help yourself be found and be seen.

****

Change is coming and I am doing my best to ride the wave and not fight the current.

If all goes half as well as I hope in a short time I’ll be that much closer to living the life I dream and not be dreaming away the life I have.

Midnight has come and passed and it is time for this young man to catch some shut eye. See you in the comments during daylight hours.