Archives for July 2016

I never expected I would buy a Justin Timberlake song but here I am listening to Can’t Stop The Feeling and smiling because yesterday I called adventure and said I am ready to go.

If you are lost I strongly urge you to go read 69 Reasons Why You Answer When Adventure Calls.

Go on, I’ll wait a moment or two.

Hell, I really shouldn’t be sitting here because this house won’t pack itself but then again this is the perfect time to take a deep breath.

The roller-coaster is almost at the top of the hill and in a moment it is going to go flying down the next hill at break-neck speed and it will require immense focus to keep the car from flying off of the tracks.

Steiner the minor and I watched Saving Private Ryan tonight.

It was his first time seeing it and in some ways it felt like mine.

The funny thing is I have seen it a handful before tonight but this was the first time I watched them storm the beach and thought about how close in age my kid is to being eligible for the service.

I caught myself staring at him and wondering what the hell I would do if he was drafted or if he decides he wants to enlist.

It was so surreal to me to try and reconcile it all.

If things had taken a small shift I would have moved to Israel and done my time as a soldier there.

It wasn’t just a thought or an idea, I looked into it a number of times and came damn close to making it happen.

*****

I remember being 25 and telling everyone what my plans were. I remember actively working on tying things up so that I could go and well obviously it didn’t happen.

Some of you might wonder why I didn’t serve in the US or if I considered it.

The answer is a blog post or two in itself but I can tell you I thought about joining the Marines more than once.

Anyhoo that didn’t happen here either and if we flash back to the thought/idea of my son it was interesting to me for lots of reasons.

I am hawkish and a supporter of our military.

I respect our troops, am grateful for their service and well aware that someone’s child is risking their life for my family.

So part of me felt a twinge of guilt that I don’t want my son to put himself in harm’s way. Part of me asked myself to take a hard look in the mirror and answer the question of how I can ask others to do what I don’t want to do.

Three Dog Night is singing Mama Told Me (Not To Come) and my focus moves back to my conversation with Adventure.

“Jack, is it fair to say you always intended to come?”

“It is probably best not to ask me questions you don’t want answered because I just might.”

I don’t tell adventure I always knew I was going to do it because a man has to keep a couple of cards for himself  but smile because I am so damn excited.

Excited because I worked my ass off to try and make some things happen and this appears to be the fruition of hard work and because sometimes when I am nervous I get a little silly.

It is easier for me to vent by making some off-color remarks than to say “Fuck, if this bomb I am holding explodes it is going to be messy and painful.”

Better to blow off some steam and trust myself to manage things.

Besides if you look back at the conversation with my daughter in The Agony & Ecstasy Of Blogging I told her this was happening and said I think it is for the best.

Nothing has changed, I believe I have done what I need to do to give us all a better life.

I also understand some people think I am taking a risk and I have no problem saying they are right, but life is filled with risk.

The person who tries to avoid making a mistake and who runs from the hard stuff will never get away from their personal bogeyman.

Sooner or later the monster crawls out from under the bed or bursts from the closet doors and forces you to face him.

I prefer to force the monster to meet me on my terms or as close as I can come.

Not long after the movie ended I wandered upstairs, picked up a dumbbell and stared at the mirror while I tried to focus on doing a proper curl.

The idea was to channel some of the nervous energy in a positive way and to try to clear my head.

Usually the combination of exercise and writing does it and I can walk away feeling like clarity has been restored.

I don’t expect the US to bring back the draft any time soon, if at all so I am not going to worry about whether Steiner the minor will be drafted.

Given his current attitude and mindset I don’t expect him to tell me he wants to join any of the various branches of the military either.

So the answer to the question of what would I do remains uncertain and unknown. What I do know is I have taught him to respect those who serve.

That conversation has included police officers and firefighters.

It has also included a discussion about why we respect them and why we hold them to high standards too.

987 More Reasons Why We Answer When Adventure Calls

Friday night marked the 30-day point before I am supposed to meet Adventure on location which means I have an enormous to-do list and limited time to get it all done.

Adventure said it wasn’t enough time and is concerned about whether I can make it happen.

Do me a favor and don’t tell adventure it is almost too much time for me and that I do better when I have shorter timelines to work with.

The reason you want me on board for somethings is because I excel in these moments. I know how to sustain my effort and energy over long periods.

This is what I am built for and what I like to do.

And the reason I think I have become good at it is because I can tell you good people I am scared and I am a little nervous.

But I can use that to keep me sharp and as a reminder that I am alive.

Got to run now and get back to it all.

See you in the comments.

 

My baby turns 12 in two days.

Last night she stopped talking to me because she was furious with some information I shared with her.

My little girl didn’t scream, she just went silent and I knew from the quiet how very angry she was and let her have her space.

There wasn’t any point in trying to speak with her about it because she wasn’t ready and I knew she wanted to pummel me for putting her in a position she didn’t want to be in.

But I also knew it was the right thing to do and that if I chose to go a different direction I would regret it.

Sometimes parents make very hard choices because we think they are for the best.

The Importance & Value Of Teaching Moments

Sixteen years ago I told another parent to stop telling me about how fast it all goes and to give me time to experience it for myself.

Tonight I wear a sheepish grin thinking about how unfair I was with him and about how sometimes the only explanation we can offer is we don’t know what we don’t know.

There was no way I could have understood or appreciated what this other man tried to share with me because I hadn’t lived it.

When I shared this particular piece of news with my daughter I knew she wouldn’t and couldn’t appreciate it the way I wanted her to but I shared it anyway.

Mostly because if some things come about there will be big changes soon and she’ll be angrier if she hasn’t been prepped at all.

I almost didn’t tell her because there is no guarantee things will go the way I hope and expect, but I saw a teaching moment there.

A chance to try and help her understand that sometimes we do things that we don’t like for more reasons than because they are required.

Sometimes we jump off of cliffs and hope that we develop wings before we hit the ground below.

And I told her because if we don’t develop those wings I want her to know I will catch her.

It is harder to sell that to a 12-year-old than a toddler or even a 9-year-old.

By morning she was willing to speak and by the evening she had more questions.

I revisited some of the things that happened in A Question of Dignity and I think that helped her understand why as well as where I am trying to lead things.

The Agony & Ecstasy Of Blogging

The answer to the blog mutiny and the broken plugins came to me during the middle of the workday.

It was 107 outside and the sweat was pouring off of me as if I had been playing ball for hours.

Wish I had been because it would have been more enjoyable than standing on a rooftop clad in all black, stuck in a conversation that should have been named Mobius.

Got home hours later, tore off my shirt and pants and jumped on the computer.

Took less than ten minutes to see that it wasn’t a conflict between Jetpack and my theme.

No, it was MeanThemes screaming at Social Warfare or maybe the reverse of it.

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I turned off Social Warfare and thought about potential solutions.

What I want to do is focus on writing and becoming a better storyteller. But I also want to make sure it is easy for my work to be shared and not risk losing exposure.

Life is chaotic, messy and complicated now. I don’t need any more challenges now so part of me looked at taking the easy way out, but that is not really how I roll.

I like challenges. I like problem solving. I like thinking.

This probably isn’t particularly hard to solve for someone who knows a little bit more about coding than I do.

But you don’t know what you don’t know.

I need to work on doing a better job of designing images with quotes.

I need to spend time learning more about coding.

I need to spend more time working out and less time eating.

Hell, I need to do a lot of things and the list never seems to get shorter especially since there are very few people I can trust to handle some untangling some of the knots that have crept up in my life.

Been sailing through stormy waters for so long I almost can’t remember what it is like to be upon calm seas but I can see those reappearing in the not so distant future.

That is really what is behind all of the work I have done and all of the cryptic messages about changes.

Little Jack Steiner has been doing his best to move from the cocoon to butterfly stage and it hasn’t been easy.

More than a few people have told me my plans are misguided or wrong and have encouraged me to go a different direction.

I have ignored, refused and or gone around the naysayers because I don’t trust their words.

That is because their fear and concerns are based upon what bothers them and not upon what is best or good for me.

I don’t wear sweaters just to pacify those who are cold and I don’t listen to people who won’t pay the price for actions taken or not taken.

Lessons Learned & Lessons Taught

Somewhere in the blog you’ll find a post where I talk about the importance of change and remembering people aren’t trees.

We’re not rooted to the ground or chained to places.

I didn’t always understand that but I learned about it through some very hard lessons and found out that good things happen to those who make them happen.

The lesson I want to teach my children is the one I learned. I want them to see we aren’t fucking trees and that sometimes the smart move is to do just that…move.

If I had been wiser I would have made some of these changes long ago, but you don’t know what you don’t know.