The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Life

Is It 56 Days Or 18 Years

by Leave a Comment

Been meaning to update this place as I have updated every other blog I think but it hasn’t happened.

Got jammed with more than a little nonsense to deal with in the personal and professional areas of life.

Most of it has been ok but some has been the kind of irritating and irksome material. About time to talk to my doc and ask him about a particular situation that has stuck around for a bit.

It is of a personal nature and I had expected it to resolve itself but it doesn’t seem to want to do that and I am unclear as to whether I haven’t given enough time or if it needs treatment.

In general it doesn’t prevent me from doing as I wish but when it shows up it is noticeable and I wonder if there is reason to be more concerned.

Might not be, but I really don’t know enough so I’ll ask and get a sense of it.

Been waiting too because of Covid19 thinking things might settle down a bit.

No need to go racing off to get help for something that generally doesn’t bother me, especially when it feels like we haven’t peaked yet.

Is it 56 days of quarantine or 18 years, I am not really sure.

But I am certain this is real, not a hoax and that Trump bungled the response.

What If It Is Love & Not Affection?

by Leave a Comment

The man looked at the mirror and asked his reflection to answer a question.

“What happens if it is love and not strong affection?

What are you going to do if you figure out that what thought had faded hadn’t burned out?

Are you going to keep it a secret and try to choke out the flame, dampen the embers so that you don’t face the hard questions.

Or are you going to tell her and see what she says? Are you going to give her a chance to participate?

What if she says no.

What if she says yes.”

The reflection didn’t provide any insight proving if nothing else this wasn’t a magic mirror or that if it was the genie behind the screen was bored, occupied or asleep.

“Damn you reflection and damn you woman. In the age of a worldwide pandemic I am forced to look at things differently and ask the questions you never really expect to ask.

No one really wonders or worries about what might happen if someone gets sick and dies because it doesn’t usually happen in anything but books, television and movies.”

Thanks Walt

He walked away from the mirror, shook his head, tied his shoes and walked outside.

Endless blue skies made it seem like the thunderstorms of the morning were part of a dream.

The weather felt perfect and the exercise helped clear his head and confirm he wasn’t imagining things or making shit up.

He thought about Whitman and thanked him for providing a reasonable but somewhat useless answer because what he wanted was a simple solution.

Except he wasn’t going to get that and though he knew it there was no denying interest in it.

Now he had to decide what the best path forward was and then follow it. Thing was he was pretty sure he knew what he would do and the more he thought about it the more he recognized it was what he always was going to do.

He sighed deeply, smiled and kept moving forward. Life was pretty fucking interesting, even if it and she were sometimes a pain-in-his-ass.

Harry Nilsson Doesn’t Care

by Leave a Comment

Harry Nilsson doesn’t care that I started this post while listening to what Apple Music calls his essentials and then moved to Gordon Lightfoot and not because he is dead.

Rather it is because I can’t imagine he ever would have stumbled across this place so he would never know about it.

But if he did find it I think he’d be more focused on my having included him in the headline and the post, that is better than not being included, even if you are featured on a smaller joint.

Lost In Her Loving

I’d argue it is far better to get lost in her loving than to never know what that is like.

Even if said love is removed and you feel like the sky has gone dark or the moon has chosen to hide you know something.

That is the sort of experience you never forget because if you get wrapped up in that warmth you have been through something life-changing.

I know a guy who told me he would give it all up because having loved and lost was too damn painful, but I told him he is a fool.

He told me I was the real fool and that you never get it back and I shook my head.

I know better.

Sometimes you get her back and you get another shot, sometimes you don’t.

The focal point ought to be how you learned you can fly and don’t have to settle for being earthbound.

It can present some painful moments when your wings have been clipped but the knowledge of what is possible or trying to discover what is possible is part of the scientific spirit.

There are no advances without a willingness to explore and to dig a little bit.

What Words Will You Use To Speak?

The same guy asked me what made me so certain.

I told him I had kissed a certain girl a thousand times and never tired of it.

“It always felt like we had the most intimate conversations without words, but we spoke.”

“How did you know?”

“I didn’t know in the ‘traditional’ sense, I knew in my gut. And even when we were apart I always felt like we could pick up and resume where we left or even take it to a deeper level because of life experience. If she agreed to let me pepper her pike, well I would absolutely think about it.”

“You’d think about it? Why not just do it?”

“Sometimes it is good for her to hear no. Let her remember it is a true partnership, if we let it be. There is a level of trust that makes the physical work in a different way. It is all based upon the communication because when we let do the depth is unmatched.”

“You make it sound like someone is holding back now.”

“Maybe one of us, maybe both of us or maybe none of us.”

“You are not going to tell me, are you?”

“Nope, that is our business and you aren’t part of ‘our’ are you.”

I laughed and he smiled.

“Well, you ought to tell her what you think about your business. She might be waiting for you to speak.”

“Yeah, she might or she might already know. Maybe she’d prefer not to hear about any of it or maybe she really is waiting.”

“Did anyone tell you that you are a pain-in-the-ass and that you refuse to answer questions.”

“No. Not one single person.  :D”

One Step Into The Unknown

Part of me very much wants to hide out in my castle and wait for the chaos and confusion to pass. Part of me wonders if we have really touched upon it or it is trapped inside Pandora’s box waiting to be set free.

Had a situation develop on the job side that has wreaked a bit of havoc. Had a call that can only be described as a brutal beating that left me incensed because it wasn’t my fault.

I think that is understood by the important people but it doesn’t make me feel good.

Nor does getting some assignments that I don’t understand well. If I am going to work on something I want to do a good job and this feels a little loosey-goosey to me.

So I am going to have to draw on a little reserve of courage and push on. That is all I can do.

Hanging On By More Than A Thread

by Leave a Comment

“Been on about 12 flights in the last three weeks or so.”

Man nods at me and asks how many nights that works out to be, so I close my eyes for a moment and respond “13.”

He says that is a lot and I nod my head.

“Yeah, 13 nights and 14 days away from home in a short time has left me feeling a little bit like I am hanging on by more than a thread but not with the sort of grip I want.

Can’t decide how well I am doing and it irritates me because I want to feel like I have a far stronger grip on things.

Thing is that I might be farther along and more secure than I recognize but I hesitate to accept it because I don’t want to be unnecessarily cocky about it.

Don’t want to let insecurity take over because I don’t think that is accurate either, but some times it feels like I am closer to there than I want.

One day at a time, one day at a time.

 

No Way, Not Kobe

by Leave a Comment

Seems impossible to believe Kobe died in a helicopter crash and harder to reconcile that I am connected to some of the other victims.

Not in a “hey, I know them kind of way” but in the I know a teacher whose student just lost her entire family.

One moment she had parents and a sister and now they are all gone.

It is another reminder about how tenuous our grip upon life is and how easily it can be severed.

Kobe was an interesting character, far more than just a basketball player but now we’ll never see where that curiosity and drive would take him too.

Not Unexpected

by Leave a Comment

The consequences of certain actions and behaviors caught up with me last week.

Amidst the horror and frustration came a certain acceptance of the reality and a question about what future would be had.

Some of it was very painful and some freeing.

That exchange of shackles was invigorating and yet contained some disheartening moments. So here we are on the verge of making real change or going along as before with the idea that this time it might be different.

Some part says it is not ridiculous because a tweak, twist and turn is enough to change going along into something more effective.

The question isn’t whether it is possible or can it happen but will it.