Flip through the pages here and I am sure you’ll find something about the rules for life and something about how the lesson is repeated until you get it.
When and if you find it don’t tell me or try to explain how I am missing the point or give any sort of explanation for current circumstances that suggest I am responsible for all that is going on now because you’ll wake up in a hospital bed and I won’t feel like I did anything wrong.
That is ‘cuz I feel like I have a good handle for what is going on and how I got here. Hell, I know I bear some responsibility for this moment in time but the majority of the moments that led here weren’t because of me, they were in spite of me.
You don’t know how long it took for me to be able to say that and to not focus on trying to figure out what I did wrong. That is because it is part of the learning process and journey I set out upon some ten or more years ago.
I didn’t know it or recognize it then but I can see it now.
Dude I Am Getting Divorced
I wrote about that moment over here but it took place before then. Mark told me they were through and I chose not to write about it for a long while because it didn’t need to be shared.
But the moment came and it fit in a post about how life can be different than what you expected and how sometimes you find yourself up against it and wonder how you’ll get through.
I remember when he told me he was done with marriage and through with women. He said he had enough and that he was done dealing with crazy. I told him that I understood why and that I wouldn’t be surprised if one day he decided he was willing to give it a shot.
Some months late he told me he felt like a kid in a candy shop. “Brother, there are a lot of very nice single moms out there who understand my situation and have no interest in a relationship. But unlike our school days they don’t hide their interest in sex. You find out pretty quickly you are or you aren’t going to get ‘lucky’ and you enjoy the time.”
Eventually the kid in the candy store discovered he had favorites and the man who wasn’t going to ever get married got a girlfriend again and then another and another.
“I don’t know that I’ll ever get married again but I like dating one person. I am not a fan of dating several women at the same time, it is too hard and you never feel like you get to know any of them.”
“I think this one is going to be around for a very long time. You’d be an idiot to let her go.”
He laughed and said yes. It is almost two years since they started dating and he cracks me up because his energy is so light he is floating.
The Words Fall As They May
I flip through the pages and see what post capture my eye. Sometimes when I revisit the past I am pleasantly surprised by what I read and sometimes I am disappointed because it feels like I haven’t made enough progress.
Disappointment is better than being embarrassed and that happens sometimes too. Posts that have no rhythm or flow with awkward phrasing and words that are inappropriately placed make me wonder if I should delete what I see.
Clean up the messes and clear out the clutter echoes in my mind but part of me wonders if I am smarter to keep them around because it offers insight into where I once was and serves as a benchmark I can use to measure the progress I have made as a writer.
- The Universe Taps You On The Shoulder
- The Universe Taps You On The Shoulder…Again
- You Can’t Ignore The Power Of Pictures
- The Blogging Jedi Trick That Might Work
Not embarrassed by these but not sure how I feel about them. Parts and pieces make me smile and I see a thread I can use to do more and make more of what is there.
I think about the life lessons I have learned so far and wonder about those to come. I have a pretty good idea about some of them, expectations that stuff that has been waiting in the wings isn’t going to wait much longer.
Most of the time I take it all as it comes but every now and then I grow extra frustrated and wonder if there is a more effective way to handle all that is going on now.
Things could be a lot better and they could be a lot worse.
A dear friend says he is worried about me and I say I am too, I might lose all of my hair. He tells me I am serious and I say don’t worry because if I jumped off of a cliff wings would sprout on the way down.
There is no easy way out nor am I truly interested in on. I have come too far not to go the distance.
He tells me to hang on and to remember time is a bitch.
I thank him for his concern and he asks if there is anything he can do to help.
I tell him I want three things:
- Fifteen million dollars.
- To never write a bad post again.
He asks what number three is and I say it is just for me. I don’t mention I have someone in mind I would share it with but that is only under certain conditions,
He tells me he can’t help with one or two and I say not to worry, time is a bitch but I can handle her/him/it.
It is part of why I focus on being A Man Of Faith and remember I may be slow but I usually figure it all out.