That headline isn’t meant to be snarky or salacious nor am I making any references to pirates. This time it is simple, the dead tell no tales.

The music above accompanied the post I wrote about the picture.

We were walking through Newark in June of 201o when we saw a group of people staring at something out the window and curiosity made us stop to see what it was they were looking at.

What you can’t see is the casket dressed in an American flag and the mix of soldiers and police surrounding it.

Words will fail to convey the feeling that came over me, the solemnity of a moment unexpectedly shared with strangers passing through an airport.

All I can do is tell you it hurt us to see that casket because we knew somewhere people were waiting to say their final goodbye to a son or daughter whose life was cut short.

But we didn’t know anything about that person. We couldn’t tell you if the world lost an average Joe or the man/woman who would cured cancer or brought peace to the world.

Instead we were left with questions and an urge to hug our children tighter.

I didn’t intend to write about that moment at the airport. Tonight I was thinking about sharing some thoughts about trying to figure out what posts I want to represent me.

The past week or so has seen a significant increase in traffic so I was thinking about ways to try and capitalize upon it.

Was thinking about what posts would convince the new folks this is a good place to hang their hat and in the midst of tooling around in the archives I came across the post with the picture of the casket and it touched me.

The boy I wrote about here is going to be 15 this year.

When 9/11 hit he played with blocks in front of the television and I watched the towers fall and wondered what the future would hold.

We went back into Iraq when he turned three and I wondered again what that would mean.

I was in college during the first Gulf War and I remember saying goodbye to some of the guys but that was really different.

Not just because we rolled through the country like a hot knife slicing through butter but because when you are a kid in college the future seems endless and you have no real responsibilities.

The second time was different for me and not because of politics but because I looked at my little boy and realized that my parents weren’t ever going to worry about whether I would want to or need to serve.

I was too damn old, my time was done.

If the draft ever came back and grabbed me it was going to be because things had really gone to hell.

Tonight when I thought about that day at Newark and then looked at my son I realized he is three years away from signing up for Selective Service.

I remember when I went and how I felt old but figured it was no big deal because we weren’t at war and if we happened to go to war I figured I would just enlist because I wanted to support my country.

I Still Support My Country

I still support my country but there is a different approach now because it is not my ass on the line. This time around I am looking at my children and it is just so very surreal.

If they told me they wanted to enlist in one of the branches of the military I don’t know exactly what I would say.

Certainly I would be proud of them but part of me wonders what I would do because the idea of them putting themselves in harms way frightens me.

But I can’t ignore that people do it every day and that someone’s child is out there risking their life for my family. Someone is out there doing what is required to help protect our country.

Soldiers don’t write policy but they sometimes enforce it.

But this isn’t a political post, this is a man thinking out loud about his life and a father thinking about his children.

*****

The moment in the airport obviously stuck with me but this time around it touched me in a different way.

I have the utmost respect for our troops. These men and women deserve our respect.

Tonight I showed my son the picture and asked him if he remembered the moment and he didn’t. I told him it is easy living far away from all the chaos to forget about it.

I told him that when people talk about Iraq and Afghanistan the conversation often turns into a political battle about who did what and what should or should not have happened.

When he asked me to tell him my thoughts I said we would set aside time to have a deeper discussion but summed it up by saying freedom isn’t free and there have been both popular and unpopular wars where people died to help us live as we do today.

And that we should respect the sacrifices they and their families made.

In a few moments I’ll shut off the lights and go to sleep and wonder some more about who was in that casket and what their story was.

Life may be challenging at times, but every day that we keep standing offers us another chance. It is a privilege not everyone gets to enjoy.

Bono and the boys are singing Walk On and I am sitting here at the computer staring at the screen thinking about whether I feel like writing or not.

I  never suffer from Writer’s Block or run out of ideas for things to write about.

It is easy to come up with content but the energy required to maintain multiple blogs, being a dad and life in general sometimes requires me to push away from my desk.

Age is assuredly a state of mind but Father Time won’t let me ignore that I am closer to fifty than 30 and this body won’t give me everything it once did.

It is a hard lesson to learn and one I fear to accept because I am scared of slowing down and not because whatever is chasing me might catch up.

Because I am not ready to accept that I can’t run with the boys on the court the way I once did or that my son can now out run me.

He can’t beat me in a sprint yet, but the day is coming. I celebrate and dread it.

Of Fear & Failure

I am back in the in-between space again but unlike past times I have a clear idea about how I want it all to work out. The question isn’t if but when and how.

That Beckett quote works so very well for me because it is so easy for me to identify with it.

I have failed and fallen down more than once but every time I have bounced back up, sometimes I got back up so quickly if you looked away you wouldn’t know I had fallen.

But it is harder to pick myself up from some of these more recent falls than it used to be. I blame that on age and a body that no longer appreciates being thrown over chairs, through people and into walls.

Diving for the ball is still appreciated by the team. It is still part of my game because all I know how to do is hustle but there comes a time when you leave where you were and what you did for new things and places.

That is what I am working on now, moving from where I was into the future that works best for me.

Still if I said there was no fear of failure I would be lying and the rules of the blog would be shattered.

But when I acknowledge my fear I usually find it makes it more manageable.

Teaching Moments

Sometimes I take these moments and try to turn them into a teaching moment.

It is funny because sometimes the kids tell me they think I am not afraid of anything and I smile, because I am human. I have things that frighten me but the trick is to manage your fear and not let it manage you.

So I’ll tell them about something that scares me a bit and explain how I plan on handling it.

You can’t be brave without fear and you can’t succeed unless you can fail.

I have very few regrets but those that I do have seem to be tied into moments where I let fear win.

That sucks.

Just thinking about it hurts my head, heart and soul because it is not who I want to be or who I am. But I refuse to let those things define me so I focus on failing better and or not failing at all.

I know where I am heading, just a question of how long it takes to get there.

Somewhere in between the joys of blog maintenance and mission for 2015 I stumbled onto a post called This Was Our Song.

It wasn’t on my list of posts to review for technical issues or one that I intended to read because I wanted to use it for another post but when it showed up on screen I decided to read it again and it stopped me dead in my tracks.

If you ask me to list my favorite posts I’ll tell you I am not sure and explain that it is a bit like asking me to name my favorite child, but this one has to rank up there.

This one captured so very much and is timeless for me in so many ways.

It fits in with the hard decisions post and so much of what I have been working towards and building for.

What does that Mean?

When my world was turned upside down and inside out I fought with all I had to keep everything from collapsing.

My entire life people had described me as being tenacious, stubborn and at times a force of nature. So I figured that a guy like that could stop the world by force of will and somehow change things.

It didn’t happen.

Instead I managed to stave off some changes that should have taken place sooner than they did.

But the thing about stalling is that it doesn’t prevent you from having to deal with whatever it is you have been pushing off, it just means you are going to spend more time dealing with crap that prevents you from moving into your future.

So here I am at the keyboard listening to Dylan sing Tangled Up In Blue and thinking about the quote I used in the top picture.

Thinking about how important it is to share experiences with people you care about and want to spend time with. That is a big part of our happiness, those moments big and small and who shares them with us.

They don’t necessarily require huge amounts of money either because sometimes the best thing you ever get to do with someone is sit and talk

Somewhere during the crazy moments when I felt like I was at war with the world I started to think about what it was I wanted for my future and what I was willing to do to make it happen.

Those words above jump out at me because I realize I know many of the answers to the questions that were once associated with them and more importantly because I can see the changes from the moments where I stopped fighting to stay where I was and started moving into the future.

This post might not make sense to anyone besides me. It might not follow rules of blogging or do things that are likely to attract readers.

There is a lot of ‘I’ and not much ‘you’ and a ton of ambiguity in it but one of the best parts of blogging is that it provides us with a way to learn more about ourselves.

Writing is a great tool to use to figure out what we think, what we feel and what we want.

That might sound silly to you but if you have ever been asked to write down why you believe as you do or to share your dreams you might appreciate how putting words to paper provides a certain clarity you might not otherwise have.

What I am saying is I wrote this post first for me and then for you. I am saying I read words that reminded me about how far I have come and lent optimism to how far I have to go.

I see more big changes on the horizon.

I see myself having put myself in a position to live a richer and fuller life and that makes me smile, how can it not.

And for those of you who are asking for funny stories and screwball adventures, stay tuned for there will be lots to share soon.