Life

We’re approaching the end of four weeks of training for the new position and I am pretty optimistic about it.

Stayed within the same company so my tenure and benefits haven’t been affected so that has been a significant bonus.

Ask me what my gut feel is for this and I’ll tell you it really looks good and say I am relatively nervous too.

That is the joy of the unknown because for the moment I have few responsibilities but that will change soon. I am trying to enjoy this time but it is not easy because of the unknown and lack of control.

So every day I focus on what I can control and do my best to let the rest go because it just sucks time and energy out of me.

Some days I am good about it and some days less good. I suppose the primary issue is some of the changes I feel are so profound it is hard not to be impacted by them.

I try to make a game out of it where I compete against myself and work on mental toughness because the more times I beat myself the bigger the win.

That may sound awkward but the meaning to me is clear and for this I am the only one who matter but I would be lying if I said there aren’t moments where I want a hug and a smile that makes it clear I have support.

No reason to try to be tough all the time.

Sat down at a table and laughed when the woman across from me pointed and said, “you’re babies.”

She asked what was funny and I said I knew she was 53.

“That is three years older than us, happy to be a baby if three years is all it takes.”

She told me if I knew what she had been through I would understand why she spoke like that and I said we have our paths.

“What does that mean?”

“It means we all walk a road and I have been through one that had its challenges.”

I watched tilt her head and say she couldn’t tell if I was a happy or sad man.

“I am both and I am neither.”

“So what does that make you aside from a circle talker?”

“It makes me human.”

The Lost Fathers

Been talking with a few of the guys about what it means and what it is like to be without our fathers.

We carry the load that was left behind our own way and with our own particular touch.

“We’re the boys with the lost fathers who were surprised with how challenging it is to be the men without one to speak with.”

They nod their heads and some talk about how hard it is because they don’t have a girlfriend or wife to lean on to share their pain.

“Women are different, you can talk to them differently than you can to another a guy.”

We nod and expand upon it, “they understand much, but some things are beyond them. It is not a judgment call or criticism, there are things you can’t understand if you are not a man.

Probably a bunch of stuff that is similar that they would say about us in reverse.”

They nod their heads in agreement.

“Probably worse to have someone and not feel like you can really talk to them.”

Again they nod and we move on to other topics and agree that life isn’t fair and you can’t do anything but focus on making the best of what we encounter.

I feel like a ship that has no anchor.

Don’t know if it is because the full moon is making me feel crazier or if I have simply reached a place where exhaustion has caught up with me.

Maybe it is because I feel like I have been doing it all on my own for so long I have nothing but memories of what real partnership is like.

Can’t lean on others because the load I bring is too heavy and can’t just lie down and give up either. Can’t speak as I want to and can’t be silent.

Can’t settle for less than I deserve and can’t change it all immediately.

Can’t whine and can’t beg.

Can’t understand and can’t believe how I fell down this particular rabbit hole.

Can’t live lies forever.

Can’t lie for life either.

Can only do so much and see what happens.

Got a few ideas and some dreams, can’t pretend they’ll happen on their own.

Can only push ahead.

It was a long and unsatisfying day in many ways and I can’t blame any one person or thing other than me.

Well I could blame others and it wouldn’t be unreasonable or unacceptable but there is not much point in doing so because I can’t change them. Can’t get them to do a damn thing so I have to focus on what I am or am or not doing.

It is a rough place to be in because some of it is truly unfair, but life isn’t fair and you have to roll with the good and the bad.

Truth is some of what bothers me is of minor significance and I ought to frame it in its proper context because it would make me feel better.

But for some reason the last couple of days my swagger has been off and my mojo missing.

Got a few ideas as to why and given a good night of rest it may all feel different in the morning.

Probably the biggest issue is a general lack of support and a sense that I have no one to cover my back in the way I want it covered.

Again that might be incorrect and the product of a rough couple of weeks and a long day.

So I’ll grind out the rest of the evening and see what the morning holds. Only takes one thing to change it all.

Middle sister has kept me posted on the state of college applications, starting with her oldest who has already finished his freshman year of university life.

Her middle child is entering senior year and considering a variety of schools based upon education and potential scholarship opportunities.

I am excited for her because in a number of situations she is being recruited for her athletic abilities so that could present some very cool opportunities. Not sure yet if she is going to follow up on those, but I am excited nonetheless for her.

It would have been amazing to have had some of those myself, but I didn’t so perhaps I’ll learn a little bit about what it is like as Uncle Jack and not firsthand.

My dad would have loved to have had the opportunity to watch his granddaughter play, but would have been just as proud if she doesn’t.

Education comes first.

Got so many other things going on and so much to handle, but there are no other options so handle it I shall.

But it would be nice if life was a little simpler.