The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

Archives for May 2014

Are You Burnt Out On Blogging?

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Inspirational Message Designed For
Have you been inspired by my message?

Mirrors lie right?

I know this because The Boss, Bruce Springsteen told us in Tunnel of Love. Remember what he said?

“There’s a crazy mirror showing us both in 5-D
I’m laughing at you you’re laughing at me”

Blog turns ten this month and I turn 45 tomorrow. Happy birthday to us all.

Ten years of blogging and I don’t know a fucking thing about it and yet I know everything.

I know that a kid I play ball with told me that only old people listen to Springsteen and that any stories I have about how he used to be the biggest artist around should be enjoyed by fat women who used to be skinny and forget that they drive minivans.

Kid laughs at me as he drives to the basket. I silently scream at my feet to move faster, “why can’t you move faster. You used to move faster.”

I goad the kid into trying to post me up. He bangs into me twice doesn’t move me and tries to pump fake me into the air. I strip the ball from his hands and dare him to try to take the ball out of my hands.

My feet don’t move like they used to but these gorilla hands and arms are as strong as ever.

Morning comes too soon and I roll out of bed and yell at my back to work with me, I am too young to look like a question mark.

Are You Burnt Out On Blogging?

Traffic isn’t what it once was and comments are few and far between. The blogosphere is filled with suggestions about how to fix things. They tell me if I do this and that I can build something bigger and better.

I look at the blog and think about all the time it will take to make those changes. Got tons of old posts that have no pictures in them because Pinterest didn’t exist and I wasn’t sharp enough to realize that images would make the posts “pop.”

Got ten thousand some odd posts and 9,827 broken links. Some are from bloggers whose comments once linked to blogs they have abandoned and some are from YouTube posts that were embedded because the video really added something  to the post.

Sometimes I go back and realize I don’t remember what the video was about, can’t say if it was a song or something else. Must have been really memorable if I can’t remember what it was.

Periodically hear from people who used to hang out at the blog. Sometimes they tell me if they weren’t so busy they would come visit again and sometimes they say they know all of my stories, not even the Shmata Queen knows them all and she knows many.

But what gets me the most is the gut feeling that my writing is so much better than it used to be and now they are missing it.

Reminds me of the court.

Twenty-five years ago I could really move up and down the court.

A younger man’s body capable of doing so much and it did, but damn if it wouldn’t be more fun to have it now. Damn if I don’t look back now and think about how I didn’t appreciate it the way I should have.

The Mirror Lies

The mirror lies but I am not sure which mirror I am thinking of now. Is it the one in my mind or the one in my bathroom.

Won’t lie and say there aren’t moments where I miss being that younger guy but I wouldn’t want to go back unless I knew then what I know now.

Yeah it is the age old refrain of those who have lived a little but you can’t screw an old head on young shoulders. Some things aren’t understood or truly appreciated without some life experience.

Some things were better than and some things are better now but the keystone in this arch is being aware of where we are today because now is all we have.

Bruised egos may not always appreciate some of that but sometimes if they wipe their eyes and take a deep breath they see the benefits and advantages of the present.

Are You Burnt Out On Blogging?

Might be some truth in that. Might be elements that I just don’t feel like dealing with any more or maybe I just have a better idea about where it is I want to focus my time. Might just be that life experiences has helped make it clear what I want as well what I need.

What do you think?

What Do Father’s Fear?

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Ice Climber
What do father’s fear is a question that has stuck with me for years but I am not entirely sure why. My kids assumed I wasn’t afraid of anything.

When the elder was about four he told me that if bad people broke into the house I was to kill them dead. Truth is he has always known that dear old dad has very few fears.

Remember When I Punched That Wolf In The Face should give you a good indication of that. Bigfoot used to scare me, but I was a child then and that was only after I saw him almost beat the Six Million Dollar Man.

Once I knew that Steve Austin could take him I wasn’t afraid any more and I certainly haven’t been afraid for years. Hell I wear a size 12 triple E shoe, not as big as many but big enough to give you the kind of kick in the ass you’ll remember.

What do father’s fear?

Well we fear things happening to our children or people we love. We fear not being able to protect them or help them. We fear hearing things like She Broke My Penis, ok that is not true. We use that story to remind our teenage son that his mouth has gotten him in trouble his entire life.

But we refrain from telling him that dad has suffered from the same problem.

What Do We Have Control Over?

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. “Mark Twain

Flip through the pages and posts here and you’ll see ample evidence of my insouciant approach to life but don’t mistake that to mean I am never serious because I am.

Sometimes life and parenting feels like a combination of circus and game show which I suppose is part of why I am mix silly in with the serious.  It is too easy to get caught up in fear and worry about what could happen.

I tell my kids much of life is balancing fear versus reality and that is part of why I can be so damn silly. There are lots of serious moments where it feels like it would be easier to cry than laugh.

Yet I have always found that when you can find a reason to laugh it helps manage the rough spots and that is really what Twain is talking about.

Only a fool or a sociopath says they are never afraid.

We have limited control in life. Much of what happens is outside of our control so what we are really talking about is how we respond to what happens.

So I teach my children to try to be proactive when possible and that when you can’t you just do the best you can. And I teach them to remember lying do when things get hard is not an option.

Resistance to fear is about learning how to move forward when you want to pull the covers over your head. It is about doing what is required.

What Do Father’s Fear?

If you want to know what scares me I am more worried about ordinary, stupid things than the really horrible stuff. That means I worry more about my kids falling out of a tree and breaking their neck than kidnappers.

I worry more about them getting into a car with a friend who is drunk or high than pedophiles. I worry more about them doing something stupid than getting shot at school.

Not saying any of the other stuff is impossible but I operate off of the numbers and statistically speaking some things have a greater possibility of happening than others.

If I have one fear that bothers me more than others it is one I mentioned above. It is of something happening and my not being there to protect my loved ones.

I don’t focus on it because it is not based on rational thought and there is no benefit to worrying about things that haven’t happened.

What do you think? What frightens you?

What Happens To Your Facebook Account When You Die?

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Candle Light

The question really shouldn’t be what happens to your Facebook account when you die because that is not inclusive enough, at least not for me.

I have been thinking about this on and off for a while now. Been thinking about it because Facebook is where I learned that three friends had died and an aunt. Been thinking about it because another friend died a short while back but her social media presence hasn’t completely disappeared.

Not that I am suggesting it should.

I have visited her Facebook page a bunch of times. It is where many of her friends and family have chosen to congregate.

Even though I am quite familiar with death and have lost more than a few friends it is still shocking when it happens. And as a parent it is a stark reminder to make plans to try and minimize the impact on your children.

My kids are still very young. If I died today it would be devastating. It is part of why you see multiple posts here that are addressed to them. It is why I have life insurance. It is why I have had multiple discussions about what happens if they lose both their parents.

Where do they go? Who raises them?

Those are the obvious ones which is why I circle back to social media. I am a dad blogger who is active on multiple platforms. What happens if I get hit by a bus, have a massive heart attack or take a bullet to the head.

I know that there are companies out there who offer services for just this purpose. Ask Old Doc Google to give you a rundown on who they are and you can figure out if you are interested.

As for me, let’s just say that I am not sure what I really want to have happen. Would I want some one or thing to wipe out all of the digital bits and pieces that I have collected and placed around the net. Would wiping my digital presence clean be good or bad.

I don’t really know and I am not sure that it matters. It is not because I am concerned, worried, scared or upset about what happens after death. That doesn’t bother me. What I wonder about is what it would mean for those who loved me.

Would having my words be a comfort or a burden. This blog is filled with almost 9,000 posts about everything you can think of. There are posts on politics, religion, sex, life and all sorts of other stuff. Is it really representative of me and does it matter.

Not long ago an old friend posted a few pictures of us from college. Two of them show me in a state that is less than flattering. If I had the choice I’d prefer that those not be the last images people have of me. Not that I expect them to be. Unless something crazy happens I will be back at the keyboard, tonight, tomorrow and for a long time to come.

Have you thought about this? Do you wonder or worry about what happens to your Facebook account when you die?

Editor’s Note: This post originally ran here. I wrote it after hearing about the death of a friend and some discussions with other friends about our digital footprints. In the time since I first wrote it other people I know have died (friends/relatives/acquaintances) and it has made me think about the topic again because it is really not just Facebook we are talking about, it is the digital footprint as a whole.

Do we care about what happens when we are gone? Should we care? If we die unexpectedly will it be a frozen snapshot of our life on one particular day? What will it show, a witty status update pictures of our children, a request for help building a cyberfarm?

I might have to follow up with a post about this, in the interim I will see you in the comments.

Things They Don’t Teach In School- I Hate Mother’s Day Edition

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Antietam, Md. Allan Pinkerton, President Lincoln, and Maj. Gen. John A. McClernand
Antietam, Md. Allan Pinkerton, President Lincoln, and Maj. Gen. John A. McClernand

One of the best things about blogging is the feeling you get when you hit publish but meant to hit preview and you know that the billions, millions, thousands, five readers will potentially discover an unfinished post that would have been brilliant.

Maybe we can turn that into a teaching moment and talk about the frustration we feel with teachers who demand that students be forced to regurgitate facts and not be taught how critical thinking or how to just roll with what happens and improvise on the spot.

If you happen to be one of those people who showed up and discovered a picture and a few lines click refresh because I am improvising right now, adding to the post.

Who Is The Most Important Person In Your Life?

The story about the teenager who sent one final text to his mother before he was killed in a tornado caught my eye. I can’t imagine what it would be like as a parent to receive a text like that, can’t imagine the heart ache that comes with not being able to protect your child.

What I do know a bit about is what it is like to speak with your child about what it means to live, what death might be like and how to reconcile it all.

My son spent most of Sunday working on school projects.  Three hours of the day was dedicated to a group project.  A classmate of his came over and they Facetimed with the other members and worked hard to beat a Monday morning deadline.

After the other boy left the house I took my son to lunch and we had a long talk about life. He asked me to tell him about why people get married, how to talk to girls, friends and how to figure out what kind of work you want to do.

I told him the answer to who is the most important person in your life has much to do with friendship, marriage and choice about living.

He asked me what that meant and I said that it is one of those things in life that can change multiple times and that it is tied into growth and experiences.

Who Are You & What Do You Do For A Living?

“Do you know what I want for you and your sister? When people ask you to tell them who you are and what you do for a living I want you to be able to answer without hesitation. I want you to say it with a smile and to be comfortable knowing you are spending your time doing something that fulfills you. And I want you to know it is ok if you don’t figure it out immediately because sometimes it takes a while.”

The answer to What Makes You A Man isn’t always something you figure out as quickly as you might hope or like but sticking with it helps.

Our conversation moved into his asking me about the men in our family and questions about great-grandfathers, uncles and that is what lead us to death. He told me death scares him and I told him I am not afraid of death. I don’t want to die, got lots to do but I am not worried about it and it is not because of my religious beliefs.

He asked why and I said if nothing comes after death than I have no concerns because I won’t be around. I won’t be happy or sad, I’ll just be gone. And if there is an afterlife than I figure I am going somewhere nice.

I told him I understand it may not be rational or logical in some people’s eyes but I don’t care because I don’t have time to worry about things that are beyond my control. My focus is on what is happening today.

The Most Important Person In Your Life

I told him that changes through time. I want family to always be a big part of his life because family should be people that are always there for you. He asked me if that included parents and I said yes. He asked me if I thought the same about divorced parents and I told him that divorce doesn’t change who your mom and dad are and then we touched upon girls.

When he asked me how to talk to them he told me he is not interested in girls but figured it wouldn’t hurt to not be as awkward as some of his friends. I said just talk, be yourself and understand that middle school is a really weird time where it is not uncommon for everyone to feel uncomfortable.

He told me he had a few questions about how you know how you are in love and then asked me for help with his Mother’s Day gift.

I didn’t tell him I have come to hate Mother’s Day. Well, maybe not  hate but I have a serious dislike for it. I don’t like the craziness that comes with trying to make the eight million mothers in the family happy.  It was much easier when I was a kid because my grandmothers came to my folk’s house and everyone was together.

But now there are so many people it is impossible to get everyone together and so it feels like someone is always disappointed. Kind of reminds me of the craziness that comes with Valentine’s Day.

They don’t teach you in school how to navigate this sort of chaos.

What Would Mr. Lincoln Do?

I like old photos like the one above. They remind me that many of the things we face today were things that have always been around. Ask old Abe about the importance of getting along with people and I am sure he would have a mouthful to say about it.

Wonder what he was thinking when he was shot. Did he think he was going to die? Was he scared? Was he able to talk to those who most important to him?

Do you know who is most important to you? If you were in a life threatening situation and feared you wouldn’t survive and could write a letter do you know who you would write?

3 Ways To Make Money While Blogging From The Bathroom

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Crisis
Here is the “definition’ of a crisis.

The Shmata Queen and I are usually in sync regarding our definitions about what is important, what isn’t and what truly can be described as a crisis.

I haven’t had a conversation with my queen about this picture but I am willing to bet she’d agree that picture represents a crisis. Unless you happen to have access to a pine cone or some half eaten corn on the cob.

Many years ago I told her I would find a way to make money from blogging and I did, I do and I have.

3 Ways To Make Money While Blogging From The Bathroom

Don’t ask me to share my secrets with you because that would wreck my ability to sell you an ebook about 3 Ways To Make Money While Blogging From The Bathroom. It is sure to be a winner and the best $19.95 you ever spent.

Ok, it might not be the best but it won’t be the worst for certain because I can assure you there other people out there selling ebooks that will make you wonder why you didn’t pay someone to just hit you in the head with a baseball bat.

Ok, I suppose that I shouldn’t just tease you and that it is only fair for me to provide you with some proof that I can deliver.

So here is a brief taste of what you can expect to find within. Make people feel wanted, valued and respected.

Provide value in your interactions with them personally and professionally and you’ll find that people are happy to spend time with you and or patronize your business.

People Remember How You Made Them Feel

Five years ago a good friend told me that one of our mutual friends said I sucked the life out of the room.

It was in reference to a party I had been at. It is possible that it was accurate. It is possible that I did suck the life out of the room.

I can be very intense and during that particular time I had been laid off and was fighting not to lose my home and to keep my family clothed and fed.

My recollection is of an awful moment in time, one where I felt like I was barely keeping it together.

That comment has stuck with me.

I never asked who said it because I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to go confront a friend and ask them why they never bothered to ask me if I was ok.

It bothers me because if you are part of my circle and I see you struggling I will ask you if I can help. Maybe I can’t do anything but listen, but I’ll offer.

They never bothered to ask and they made a snarky comment behind my back. I haven’t forgotten. I don’t know exactly who said it but I have my suspicions.

It is part of why I don’t hang out with some people very often at all anymore.

That is probably not fair because not everyone at this party said it and the person who did might not have meant it to be interpreted as I have.

But people remember how you make them feel and even someone like me who has a thicker skin has moments where their feelings are hurt.

Be A Better Friend

What I took from it was the opportunity to make it a teaching moment and to talk to my children about being a better friend. I told them it is better to have a few good friends that are reliable than a bunch who can be flaky.

Say what you mean, do what you say you will and be reliable.

That is solid advice you can use personally and professionally.

The world is full of good people but it has its share of flakes too. Life is too short to hang out with the flakes and we work too damn hard to do business with flakes. People will remember how you made them feel.

3 Ways To Make Money While Blogging From The Bathroom

Do you really want to know 3 ways to make money while blogging from the bathroom?

That headline is two parts snarky and one part serious.

I can give you some ideas. I can point you in the right direction. We can talk about how to find sponsorships and or talk about advertising.

Start by reading 83,168 Mistakes Every Writer Makes or if you don’t care about making money through blogging let me make you smile. Read The Joy of How To Play With Telemarketers.

You Can’t Ignore The Power Of Pictures

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Editor’s Note: Asked and Answered is a work of fiction that originally appeared here except it didn’t include the photo above. I thought it would be interesting to include it here with a comment about the power of pictures and their influence on the reader. I mulled over what type of picture would have the most impact.

Should a story about two people use a Marc Chagall painting to set the mood? Would it be more powerful to include a photo of a galaxy, stars or a comet shooting across the sky?

Without officially testing the various photos alongside the story there is no way to measure the influence and or impact.

What we know for certain is that within the online world if you want to increase the odds of a post/story/article being shared one of the best ways to do so is to include a photo.

Don’t ask me to tell you which plugin you should use for sharing because that is a blog post in itself.

And now on to Asked and Answered where you won’t believe what happened next and will be dying to know the answer to more than a few questions.

+++++

Galaxy Cluster Abell 520 (HST-CFHT-CXO Composite)
Source: Hubblesite.org
He asked the universe to give him a sign and it did but it wasn’t clear to him if it was coincidence or something more. He struggled with it and when he saw another he struggled with that one too and so it went with the four or five he noticed.

There might have been others that he missed but there wasn’t any way to tell for certain because you can’t call the universe and ask it to rewind or replay recent events in the same fashion as you would rewind a movie. If life were a movie it would have made his own easier because he would have taken care of his uncertainty by fast forwarding to the end where he would find out if he saved the day, got the girl and became the hero,

Since he couldn’t rewind or fast forward his life he thought about those initial signs and figured they could be coincidence. They could have been things that were always there and he noticed them because he saw what he wanted to see. That sort of thing probably happened all the time, people dream of things they want and then find reasons to believe that they were granted them by divine providence.

So he shrugged his shoulders, rolled his eyes and looked skyward, “hey universe I need something more specific, be direct with me.”

There was no response from above, no voice from a burning bush, no lightning and no thunder and again he resumed his work. Several hours later he poured a cup of coffee, sat down on his couch and turned on the television. What he saw on the screen stopped him in  his tracks.

“I’ll be damned, hell if that isn’t the universe being direct with me then I don’t know what is.”

He put the coffee mug on the floor, grabbed his phone and got ready to call the girl that stole his heart. They hadn’t spoken in a while. She had told him it was through and said he should move on with is life.

Since she was prone to making proclamations about what they should or shouldn’t do he didn’t argue with her. He didn’t tell her that he didn’t buy it or ask her how she would feel if he were to marry another woman. Didn’t fight because he didn’t see an upside to trying to convince her to hang on when she wasn’t up for it.

Long distance was hard and he had at least a year to go before he would be moving back so he figured he might as well wait until they were in the same city again.

It wasn’t a ridiculous plan. Wasn’t something illogical or without merit, made sense to him to give her time and space. Made sense to build some distance to let her miss him a little bit.

She knew how to reach him, knew if she needed help he would always answer.

Sometimes that bothered him a little bit, made him wonder if she took him for granted, made him wonder if his being so steady in his love for her that she knew he wouldn’t just walk.

Most of the time he just didn’t care because we all play our roles and the truth was they were real partners. They didn’t just love each other, they liked each other. And he knew that there was no one she trusted more than him and that distance wreaked havoc upon her ability to give herself to him.

One of the most consistent themes of their relationship had been bad timing. One thing or another always seemed to make it appear near impossible to make it work or so it sometimes seemed to them.

Faith was another theme, not the religious sort but the kind that just believes that somehow you’ll find a way to overcome the challenges you encounter.

It made him smile to think about that. He remembered a conversation with her. She had complained that he had turned into her a fantasy that could never be fulfilled.

“It makes me nervous that you have built me up the way you have. I am not that special.”

“No, you are not. I am very aware of your flaws.”

She hadn’t been fishing for compliments but she hadn’t asked to be insulted either. “Fuck you! That is so rude!”

“Sweetheart, I don’t just love you, I fucking you love you. I love you more because you are real and you are flawed and some am I. It is not that big a deal. I love you for you and that means I accept you as you are.”

Her eyes narrowed, “I don’t know if I am supposed to hit you or make love to you now. I hate when you do that.”

He kissed her and felt her body relax and whispered in her ear, “believe in us because we always figure it out.”

That conversation was months and months ago. He had felt her slipping away long before she had but because he had anticipated it he had done what he had could to smooth the way for something down the road.

The biggest challenge of falling in love with your best friend lies in what happens when you feel like you really need them but they need space.

Managing that space was another one of their themes. When they took it they never went all that long before they began to reach out and look for each other.

That was what had led to his asking the universe for a sign. He had flippantly challenged it, “hey universe, my gut says she and I will end up together and ride happily into the sunset. Why don’t you give me a sign confirming that it is not gas I feel and I’ll leave you alone. Really, just tell me I am correct and I will wait for it to happen.”

He didn’t hear thunder, see lightning and there were no heavenly voices so he told himself to stop playing the fool and went about his business.

Three days later was when he started noticing what could be signs. Three days later he noticed a bunch throughout the day and then struggled with the idea that it could be more than coincidence.

When he turned on the television and saw Walk The Line playing that got his attention. It was their movie.

He had turned it on during the tour bus scene when Johnny asks June to marry him and she tells him off. He says it is time and she tells him “with 100% certainty it is not and it is not even a quarter to the right time.

Telephone in hand he debated whether to call or text his girl to let her know the movie was on. He was in the middle of dialing her when he decided against it.

“Hell, she won’t buy into it. She’ll call it coincidence and make some crack about me not understanding science and then I’ll have to remind her I know all about it. I got A’s in all of my science classes and I enjoy reading about science. I’ll be damned if I am going to have some dumb argument about it. One kiss from me and she’ll be wound up and then we can talk pheromones, hormones, science and why we are in bed again.”

Muttering to himself he put down the phone and smiled. “It is a good thing I love her because I don’t ever stay irritated with her, I hate that.”

When he grabbed the coffee off of the floor he thought some more about signs and when he heard a voice say asked and answered he wasn’t startled. He just nodded his head and smiled.

Their time was coming, he could be patient.