Just Write

Many of you know stories about The Big Lug whose countenance looks out at us. If you are among the 17 long time readers you might even remember when I wrote about the final goodbye.

I mention him because there are moments where I really miss talking with him. You won’t find a better listener or someone less judgmental. Of course it wasn’t always easy dealing with the beast who at 150 pounds still thought of himself as a lapdog.

Yet it was a small price to pay to have his counsel and to share the moments with. Today was a day where I realize I could have used him. It would have been good to talk to him about Fear, Anger and Ego.

Not Quite The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse

Fear, Anger and Ego aren’t what you would call the four horsemen of the apocalypse. They are just three things that have been on my mind or should I say they are tied into many things that are on my mind.

Those three feelings are wrapped up in why I want to compete in the race I wrote about and why I want to do The Ironman. The hard truth is that I am not even close to being in the kind of shape I need to be in.

It hurts to look in the mirror and see what has become of me. My ego is bothered and bruised. I feel like I let my children down with this, but more importantly I let myself down.

That is not to say it is impossible to get back in shape because it is not- but it is not like it used to be. My 43 year-old body refuses to respond the way it used to and it irks me to no end.

All it used to take was a minor change in diet and some extra effort with the weights and things changed quickly. That is not happening like it used to so I suppose you could say I am afraid that I am going to find out that there is something wrong and I can’t do it.

But anger talks and it feeds my fire. When I let that sort of anger run through me I am able to push through some of the sets and things begin to move and to happen- so maybe fear has no place.

The Little Voices

The little voices of insecurity that have arrived are new to me. I am not used to it. I am a confident man and always have been, but there are other things that have happened that have made me question this and that.

Fear, Anger and Ego play a role there too. Fear makes me wonder if maybe I am missing something and whatever it is has created a block that it making trouble for me.

Fear makes me wonder if maybe it is obvious and I just can’t see it.

Anger berates me for my inability to figure out what should be obvious. I am not a stupid man so why do I not see it. Why can’t I figure it out.

Ego pats me on the back and advises me to just relax because I have always found a way and I will again- but those little voices keep murmuring.

Those soft brown eyes and that massive head are here twice. That’s because this is what I would have talked to him about. I wouldn’t have been cryptic or oblique. I would have shared it all and then we would have gone for a run or a walk.

Hell, maybe he would have chosen to wrestle and we would have loved it.

If the Big Lug were still here I would have told him that I am still blogging and that sometimes I focus on being a dad blogger but I am working towards other things too.

I would have told him that I feel the clock ticking and that in spite of these voices my gut still says it will all work out. I would have told him about all that I have learned and talked to him about how I chose a harder path.

We would have talked about my children are thriving and how many good things exist because things are hard now but that is not a synonym for impossible or hopeless.

This is just the transition and it so happens I am scaling part of the mountain by myself. It is a temporary thing, but it is what it is right now.

I am just trying to do my best to make sure that Fear, Anger and Ego aren’t my sole companions.

This was part of Just Write #51.

What is the value of comment sense is the sort of goofy and ambiguous headline that makes my black heart go pitter-patter. I love the way it establishes a foundation to go right or left, or maybe front or backwards.

It sets a tone that is at once off key and harmonious with exactly what I want or at least what I think I want. I think about these things often because it is part of who I am.

I like to pick, poke and prod.

I want to know why some things work and others don’t. It is equally applicable to the blogosphere as to real life.

What is Comment Sense?

I guess I see it as being tied into every other conversation we have had here about comments. I see it as being part and parcel of those. If you haven’t participated let me provide you with blogging philosophy as it pertains to comments.

This is a two way street. I will write whether you comment or not but you will have no say/influence in what I write unless you comment. You will have no say in what sort of community is being built here unless you comment.

Comments are not currency. They are not a valid indicator of whether a blog is successful or not. This doesn’t mean they cannot be used as part of measuring success, just that they shouldn’t be used on their own.

My goal is to have this place function like a barbecue or cool bar. We are here to talk, hang out and get to know each other. I like it better when I know what you think, but that doesn’t mean that I am going to do what you say. It just means that I prefer to give you the opportunity to share your thoughts about the various topics we discuss/

If you act like a jerk I may help you hoist yourself onto your own petard, or I may not.

People Remember How You Make Them Feel

People tend to remember the time you made them feel stupid or helped them remember that people can be jerks. It is rarely effective to try and convince someone to change their behavior by making them feel stupid.

I have a memory like an elephant for the times it has happened to me. I try not to hold onto that sort of crazy because it serves little to no purpose. All it does is give someone free rent inside your head and the worst part is that it could be given to someone you despise.

You don’t want to give free rent to the jerks you want forget, or at least I don’t.

The kids and I talk about this more often than I wish. They ask about moving and want to know if we’ll have good neighbors or if they will be mean. I remind them they haven’t ever had bad neighbors and that there is no point in worrying about things that have never happened.

They only sort of listen to me. They are both going to public school this year and are excited but nervous. I tell them I am too, but say that I am confident in their abilities. It is true, I am.

But part of me feels badly that the end of their time at the private school has come. The dark haired beauty hasn’t had as much time there as her brother and that really hits me. I want it to be fair. I don’t want them to say one got more than the other.

Sometimes I say that and laugh because I know some people would call me a socialist or a communist for saying/thinking it. I would be the snob who told them they can complain when they understand what the words mean and why they might be important. And then I would ask them to prove they voted.

Comment Sense And Blogging

When I circle back to comments on blogs I come back to the same places over and over. Dissent is a healthy thing. We don’t always need to agree but if you don’t try not to make it personal.

Don’t make every comment an ad for your blog. Ask questions of others and answer them.

If you aren’t having fun in the blogopshere what are you doing here. Yes, it is rhetorical question.

I think I am falling asleep while writing this so I need to wrap it up soon. Today was a really good day.

My baby had her birthday and we had all kinds of fun, but even though I know her age I still can’t believe she isn’t a toddler anymore.

If you comment on my blog I will try to make a point to visit yours, but I don’t guarantee that I will get there, because sometimes I don’t.

The Summer Slowdown

The summer slowdown is in full effect. If you are new to blogging don’t freak out about the drop in traffic because it happens to most of us. The traffic on my blog is a bit lighter than normal but I expect it to pick back up when school starts again.

It happens every year and then we forget because traffic goes back up and comments mirror expectations.

What do you think?

This was part of Just Write #45.

If you could do anything what would you do is a question that vexes me because it tugs on two different sides of me with reckless abandon.

It touches upon the dreamer who doesn’t accept limitations and is willing to run through walls and will dance in the fire for as long it takes to get it done.

But there is that other piece that says, “slow down cowboy and deal with what you know is real.” I hear that voice and I nod my head because it is sensible to take a step back and try to focus on the things that are possible and ignore that which isn’t.

Yet every time I do that a piece of me dies a slow death. It reminds me of decades of playing football without pads and repeating the mantra that you only get hurt if you are scared.

Calm your nerves, quiet the whispers and run across the field without fear and all will be well.

It works. I know from experience. More than 30 years of playing tells me that there have been sore muscles, some bruises and one dislocated finger.

My grandfathers and father told me many times that I was being foolish and that one day it would catch up to me. I laughed and told them that I would fight the devil himself and prevail because that is just how it is.

I see them shake their heads and I understand because I would tell my son not be a fool. It is foolish talk and no one outruns life forever.

Balance Can Be Had

Balance cannot be found in everything but in this area it can be. I can marry these two schools of thought. I can find a place where it is comfortable for all of us and that is what I try to do.

My approach is to look at the question in simple terms.  It is not about what superpower I want but how I want to live my life. That is the root of the question. If you could live anywhere, with anyone and do anything what would those things be.

I suppose this is part of why I want to live to be 1,000. There are lots of places I want to live and things that I want to do. I want to live long enough to become an expert and an authority on these things. I want to spend enough time living in these places that I am not a tourist or newcomer.

That is all fine and good but it doesn’t answer the question in the way that it needs to be answered. That answer is subjective and will be different for all of us.

I am willing to share some of these thoughts with you but not all of them. Some of what I am working towards will remain unspoken and unwritten. That is not because I am afraid to share it but because we all need to secure pieces and parts of ourselves for those who matter most and no other.

The general focus here is to do the things that feed my soul and make my heart swell. It is to live a life of as much love and laughter as a man can experience.

It is why I keep pushing myself to become a better writer. It is why I focus on the creative side.

Responsibilities Versus The Song of My Heart

There are little people that lean on me. They expect me to love them unconditionally and to keep them safe from harm. They expect me to listen to their stories and to teach them things about life and living.

It is an obligation I never forget about. It doesn’t upset or anger me. I knew what I was doing. I wanted children, more than I have now.

But that doesn’t mean that I love mine any less. It is not even a question.

What is challenging is trying to figure out how to give them what they need and deserve while not losing sight of myself and my dreams. There is no guide or map book for this.

Some of this falls into the category of learn by doing. There are moments when being a parent is a bit like walking through a dark forest at night without a flashlight or moon.

You do your best not to trip too many times and hope that you don’t get scraped up too badly. Those mysterious crunches and the things you  sense lurking sometimes make you uncomfortable, but you ignore them and keep moving ahead because that is what is required.

When I Close My Eyes

I tell my children the goal is to fall asleep knowing that we did our best and that even when we have a bad day that should be enough. It is harder for me to accept it, but I try.

It works best when I know that I am doing my best to live in sync with the life I want to live.

What about you? If you could do anything what would you do?

This is part of Just Write #44.