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The JackB

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'." Groucho Marx

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Narishkeit

987 Reasons Why Monetizing Your Blog Makes You Sexier

March 5, 2015 by Jack Steiner 6 Comments

best friendMidnight approaches and I hear voices of authority reminding me that nothing good happens after midnight and though they mean well all I can do is shake my head.

Shake my head because experience has taught me some of the greatest moments and memories of my life were created after midnight.

Yeah I know The witching hour is a time when your parents suggested that people of ill repute were anxiously awaiting your arrival so that they could engage you in the kind of trouble that you never wanted to be a part of.

And while I would hate to say your parents stretched the truth I would also say the validity of their statements falls somewhere close to the people who told you that blogging would make you rich.

987 Reasons Why Monetizing Your Blog Makes You Sexier

Every now and then I read a bunch of the social media expert posts and think about how much fun I could have if I wanted to peddle their particular brand of snake oil.

It makes me want to write, produce and star in my own infomercials in which I try to sell you a pill that makes weight melt right off of you, restores your hair line and fixes your crooked teeth.

Of course I wouldn’t do any of those things without offering it to you for the low, low price of only $19.99.

Maybe it is coincidence that When The Levee Breaks is playing now because that last line about $19.99 is ridiculous. Hell if I am going to try to charge you for my services I am going to do it for a hell of a lot more than twenty bucks, but that is a separate issue.

Remember in Where Bloggers Fear To Tread I spoke a bit about Steiner the minor and the middle school madness he is going through?

Well one of the things that I do in my role as dear old dad is try to teach him some basic tips and tricks for building relationships with people.

Sometimes that involves using the heavy bag to teach him how to throw a right and snap the elbow and sometimes it is far simpler like trying to teach him how to engage with words.

In the wild and woolly blogosphere I sometimes use audioposts to try and make that happen.  Adding your real voice can be an effective way to help people start to see you as a real person.

Earlier today I stumbled on an old favorite called Do You Have An Accent?

If you don’t feel like clicking the link to read it you can always use the button below to listen to me speak and then you can decide for yourself if I have an accent.

I like teasing the Shmata Queen about sounding more Texan than she does, but you won’t hear any of that drawl in the post below.

listen to ‘Do You Have An Accent?’ on audioBoom

Blogging Tricks Any One Can Use

Did I mention I recorded that post on March 9, 2012?

Yeah, that sucker is almost precisely three years old and I was able to use it again. I like being able to repurpose my content.

Ask my kids and they’ll tell you I try to teach them to work smarter and not harder. They’ll also tell you working smarter doesn’t mean I advocate taking short cuts unless you are certain it won’t create more work.

That is a lesson I learned the hard way.

I am fast on my feet and have always been a quick study and good at getting things done. Sometimes that has led me to bite off more than I could chew but I never saw it that way because I always knew I would figure out a way to get it done.

And I did, but it wasn’t always as good as it could have been and I realized that I was selling myself short.

People got quality work but the not the quality work they could have had and sometimes the short cut meant that I had to do something twice because it wasn’t done the right way the first time.

Sometimes the only way to be successful is to do the work or to get lucky but luck is never guaranteed so you might as well do the work.

Speaking Of Work

Speaking of work I have been tooling around with linking New Year’s Eve, My Stairway To Heaven and An Uncertain Certainty.

Been thinking about whether I’ll turn them into a larger story that I’ll self publish, but haven’t decided yet.

Some of that is because I have been mulling over whether to create one large piece or several smaller using those pieces and some of the posts in The Fifty Posts You Didn’t Read On New Year’s Eve.

Anyway thinking about things has never proven to be an effective way to get them done. I can’t decide if it is as bad or worse than taking short cuts that create little messes that have to be cleaned up.

But the witching hour isn’t for figuring out whether short cuts or analysis are your best option or at least on this particular night it is not.

So in a moment I’ll this tale of treachery and treason on the high seas of social media knowing that this post got more clicks because the headline talked about blogging and money and not because people are dying to read the famous writer Jack Steiner.

But that may yet change, oh yes, it might.

Filed Under: Narishkeit

Men Shouldn’t Hold Their Feelings In

February 25, 2015 by Jack Steiner 4 Comments

Editor’s Note: This post originally ran here but the world needs more silliness today so I am trying to help. New post coming later.

Not long ago I received an email from someone who said that I shouldn’t be such a serious blogger. I thanked them profusely for their advice and then asked them if they were a Nigerian prince who just happened to be interested in sharing their fortune with me.

Sadly they were not…interested in sharing their fortune with me.  I haven’t any clue as to whether they really were a Nigerian prince and or wealthy. That is because they didn’t respond to my email. It hurt my feelings and I decided to send them a letter letting them know this.

That is because I have been taught that men shouldn’t hold our feelings in. It is bad for our hearts or so I was told.

So I wrote him a letter that looked something like this.

“Dear Mr. Foosengoosen,

I am quite upset with your lack of response regarding my inquiry into your lineage and personal wealth. If you are indeed a Nigerian prince you should let me know immediately and should also consider  sharing your fortune with me.

There are many reasons why you should do this not the least of which is because I said please…twice. Hell, if you were my employer and I were a millenial you would be able to expect to receive a strongly worded letter and  a telephone call from my parents about your rude behavior.

That lack of response might have sent me over the edge because I grew up in a world in which unicorns were plentiful, rainbows colorful and everyone received a trophy for being able to breathe.

Sadly this is not the world I grew up in. I come from the seventies a time of bad fashion and silly television shows. We were harder and meaner than the kids today. I would have gone sweathog on your and told you to shove a hose up your nose or some such thing.

And it is entirely possible that I might have even dipped into the eighties and pulled Miyagi out to train me to kick your ass. We aren’t talking about the nice guy from Happy Days either. No, you won’t be saved by Mr. C. The Fonz can’t protect you nor will Ritchie, Potsie or Ralph Malph.

And let’s not forget what happened to Ritchie’s older brother Chuck. The dude disappeared. I could make that happen to you too.

Why So Serious

Great Googly Moogly Foosengoosen, you have the weirdest name of any Nigerian Prince I have ever known. Not that I have known any in real life or online. Don’t ask me if I knew any in the biblical sense of the word either. The last thing I need to do is say that I support Gay Marriage wholeheartedly but think that kisisng a man is repulsive.

That is because the last time I had that conversation here I got flamed by some loser who wanted to know if I was worried about the Gay agenda which according to him consists of having sex with lots of partners. Now my dear Foosengoosen I have to confess that there was a time when I wanted to have sex with lots of partners, just not at the same time or with men.

Am not bothered by men wanting to sleep with men provided I don’t have to do it or see it. But I don’t really want to watch a man or a woman have sex either. Besides if I did I would have to pretend to be Howard Cosell doing play -by-play .

Now that could have been special. Just imagine what that would have sounded like:

“This is Howard Cosell. Tonight we are seeing something momentous, a boy is about to become a man. I once talked to a young Cassius Clay about such a thing and thanks to my advice he remembered to pump slowly so that…”

Screeching Halt

Sorry Foosengoosen this is family blog so I can’t go into more details.

But what I can tell you is that because you are a selfish bastard I am not inviting you to join me on the great Ikea adventure. That is going to be big and amazing. The great Ikea adventure is the day where I go switch all of the signs at Ikea with fake ones that I have made.

It could be one of the all time greatest pranks and you aren’t going to be a part of it. You won’t be there when I switch the Hoskenflosked with a Skeezendozenker or the Gartleskin with a Crapyouneedenskin.

Sorry, about that, but you brought this punishment down upon yourself. And don’t try to weasel out of it by offering me a couple of chickens and a water buffalo either. I am not bought that easily.

Really, a man of my distinction needs more than that. Give me a black lion and a Bengal tiger and we can start talking.

Filed Under: Narishkeit

Valentine’s Day Is Why The Terrorists Hate Us

February 14, 2015 by Jack Steiner Leave a Comment

hero
Sometimes my daughter asks me how we lived without technology and I laugh and tell her I had the better deal.

She says that is impossible and I smile and silently thank the powers that be I didn’t grow up with YouTube or cellphones.

As a kid I was perpetually late and I would have hated the electronic leash we call cellphones and the goofy crap I once engaged in didn’t need to be immortalized on YouTube.

And let me tell you, I did stuff that most certainly would have been uploaded and shared.  I’m happy not to have to worried about whether my shenanigans were considered cool, stupid or dumb.

Valentine’s Day Is Why The Terrorists Hate Us

That might be an exaggeration but there is less chance that they dislike us for celebrating Steak and Blowjob Day.

Of course it is possible I am wrong about this because I am certainly not an expert on the motivations of a terrorist.

I can’t explain why someone would think the best solution to a problem is to strap a bomb to their chest and murder innocent people.

Nor can I tell you why they think murdering innocent people with guns, knives or axes is a smart move either. Those types of things tend to inflame emotions and are more likely to cause an angry reaction than others.

Maybe the best way to bring peace is to encourage more sex or at least more head.

If I decide to run for office I might make that part of my platform, might even encourage more people to vote. Hard to say for certain, might have to test it out first.

We All Need To Disconnect

If you are new to the blog you might wonder where the hell this post is going.

The answer is I haven’t a clue, I am just writing now for the joy of writing and not because I need this to go viral.

The latter half of 2014 is something I’d rather not think about and January 2015 wasn’t particularly good either.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t have high hopes for 2015. Doesn’t mean I don’t think each one of these setbacks doesn’t put me one step closer to where I want to be.

I haven’t been particularly good at walking down paths others have blazed. For better or worse I am more adept at blazing my own trail.

It has led me places I never expected to see, not all of them were bad either.

And it is part of why I appreciate the quote above so very much.

Our collective favorite acts of heroism aren’t those committed by Superheroes but by the common man. You expect Superman/Batman/Captain America/Thor/Iron Man to save the damn day.

You don’t always know how they’ll do it, but they get it done.

The ordinary man is far more interesting and since I am an ordinary guy I like to see how the average Joe does it.

Doesn’t mean I don’t ever want to be a superhero, might be nice. I am partial to Wolverine but hell give me the same super sauce that Steve Rogers took and I’ll be Captain America.

*****

I have been pushing hard to get beyond the crap I have been dealing with. Been balls to the wall for months now and it has caught up with me.

Exhaustion has arrived and delivered its own personal invoice except this time around I decided I would pay the bill.

So I took a moment to disconnect a bit and didn’t update all of my blogs with the same regularity as I normally do.

It was hard to take a step back.

I pride myself on my ability to push through anything and everything but when I collapsed (not literally) on the couch I decided it was time to rethink things.

I figured if I truly was too tired to drag my old ass upstairs it made sense to not touch the computer.

So I didn’t…until now.

Echoes Of The Future

Your old friend Jack is a certified agnostic about some things. Did I mention every time I say that the Shmata Queen rolls her eyes and mutters something about me not understanding science?

Remind me to explain pheromones. bananas and things that make no sense but happen over and over again. Talk about a refutation that will leave her speechless.

Anyhoo…

This last week can only be described using the scientific terms, fucking nuts because that is what it was.

I’d like to provide more details than that, would love to tell you more but this time around I am not going to because it feels like that might spook what I think is going on.

Instead I’ll tell you I woke up this morning feeling more optimistic than I have in a long time because I touched the echoes of the future.

A Note For New Readers

Plagiarists decided to lift some of my copy and present it as their own. It is not the first time this has happened nor do I expect it to be the last but that doesn’t mean I blindly accept it.

Sometimes when I think my content is being stolen I’ll intentionally curse and or include more colorful language. It has been useful and effective at stopping the problem.

One of the interesting things about these thieves is they don’t focus on one particular topic.

Sometimes they’ll grab something like Twenty-Five Links That Will Make You A Better Writer/Blogger or 1 Foolproof Way To Become a Better Writer and sometimes it will be Four Generations & A Wedding.

Anyway, if you are interested in getting a better idea about what you might find here you are invited to read through the links here.

Or alternatively you are welcome to take a look at:

  • Will You Always Need Your Father
  • Nobody Beats The Disease
  • One Slightly Used Pump For Sale
  • Mean Girls Come From Mean Moms
  • There Are No Coincidences
  • The Pinterest Predicament & The Rule Of Four
  • Do Things Happen For A Reason?

Enjoy your day, I’ll see you in the comments.

Filed Under: Narishkeit

Voodoo Magic & Witch Doctors

February 5, 2015 by Jack Steiner 2 Comments

Understand
I have this sneaking suspicion that I need surgery but since I haven’t seen a doc I am not entirely sure.

If you came to me and told me this I would verbally slap you around and tell you it is a mistake to wait and that if there is a problem waiting might make it worse.

But you see I operate off of the ‘do as I say and not as I do’ code and that absolves me of all guilt. Besides I figure I can try seeing the local witch doctor or using some Voodoo magic on myself because nothing could go wrong if I did that.

And this my friends is what happens when you are an educated man with responsibilities and no health insurance.  It is not like I have been without it for long because I haven’t but I ran into some financial challenges and killed mine so that my kids would keep theirs.

It is not like I am going to drop dead tomorrow and if I did, well that would wreck my golf game now wouldn’t it.

Of course I haven’t played a round in quite some time and when I did I wasn’t particularly good at it so it is not really wrecking my game.

The Grim Reaper and Jack

The Grim Reaper and I have met a few times. He got pissed off at me years ago because we were hitting on the same chick and I got her.

Truth is he wasn’t much competition. I looked at her and told her she could never drink enough to get beyond his skull and bony appearance.

Not to mention his personality is awful and when I want to be I am not only charming but funny.

Humble too.

I remember after my father’s heart attack I rolled into his hospital room and did a quick sweep of the room to make that reaper dude wasn’t skulking around.

He wasn’t there on the first day but two days later dad’s ventilator gurgled and the other machines whistled and beeped enough times to make me recognize something was wrong.

I found that bony motherfucker messing with the cables so I grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and defenestrated him.

Later that night I caught him again but this time he was wearing that Angel of Death costume. I am guessing he thought it might fool me but I am the reason the Devil went down to Georgia because Lucifer knows damn well that I am not someone you should trifle with.

Anyhoo I grabbed that Angel by his wings, stomped on his feet and then headbutted him into the land of Nod.

That was kind of fun for me, mainly because all those people who told me my hard head would get me into trouble learned the hard way they could suck it.

That hard head of mine came in handy then.

I Want To Understand

I live my life based upon a mixture of science, faith and gut feelings.

It is an accurate description of how I write too all you need to do is look  at this post or read some of my fiction to see the truth in it.

There are moments where I work off of a plan and follow the outline I have developed and then there are the times where I just live.

That is because I have been fortunate to follow the beat of a drummer who has no rhythm. Really if you ask me to pick a card I am going to find the Joker every time.

Neither of those are good or bad, they just are.

The net result is I often take the road less taken and that sometimes makes my progress through life a little more interesting than it does for others.

It is also what leads me to ask why I am lucky enough to live during interesting times and rail about not understanding how I have ended up in certain situations that I have actively tried to avoid.

Ask me to explain it and I’ll shrug my shoulders and say I must be responsible for some of this and yet I know damn well not all of it is my fault either.

This is when I tell the Shmata Queen that I Know Things and that even though I can’t always explain them it doesn’t mean they aren’t true.

What I know for certain about this moment is that it sucks but that I am going to weather the damn storm and come out on a distant shore with more stories and more cash than ever.

Can’t tell you the particulars but I can say it is going to happen and since I believe in the joy of the journey I am going to do my best to be present for all of it.

Churchill taught

If I ever run into Winston in heaven I am going to light up a cigar and thank him for articulating this and a few other things for me.

And that my friends is how you incorporate Winston Churchill, Albert Einstein and Voodoo into a post.

Filed Under: Children, Narishkeit

Some People Take Blogging Too Seriously

January 28, 2015 by Jack Steiner 12 Comments

stupidityIf ever there was a day when I wondered if a career in misanthropy would have been the smarter choice today would be that day.

Now I could tell you the sad and sordid tale about why I thought about whether I could effectively change someone’s attitude by slapping them silly and or slipping a butter knife between their ribs but that would make you question my sanity and why would I want to do that.

I’d rather send you over to read about my battle with Santa Claus and the drunk clown on It Should Have Been On YouTube.

Or better yet you can listen to the podcast below and hear my recollection of tales of being a father and uncle and the funny questions children ask.

Some People Take Blogging Too Seriously

When I first posted that podcast I got a comment about it being strange and an email saying I laughed too much and that blogging should be serious.

I may have suggested he was a man in dire need of a plumbing adjustment or given some other cheerful response, but I don’t really remember.

What I do know for certain is that today has sucked and if you don’t have fun you won’t last as a blogger. I am also confident in saying that bad days require copious amounts of humor so I am taking my own prescription.

It is also one I have prescribed for my 14 year-old son and his moody teenage blues.

Most of the time that dear lad of mine is a happy-go-lucky fellow, but the normal rigors of middle school magic sometimes drag him down.

We have dealt with bullying, too much homework and an assortment of other issues so I am ready for some peace.

But something tells me hormones and puberty are going to impact that.

Did I mention the joy of his almost 11 going on 30 year-old sister discovering that he has hair all over?

That was one time I sided with him about the need for her to knock and wait for a response before entering.

Anyhoo since there are boundaries in blogging we’ll leave that as it is and focus upon more interesting topics such as is there is limit to human stupidity.

Sadly I think I agree with Einstein.

Filed Under: Narishkeit

The Fifty Posts You Didn’t Read On New Year’s Eve

December 31, 2014 by Jack Steiner 6 Comments

Intention and decision work together.
Intention and decision work together.

I made a decision to write one post with 50 links to other posts you may or may not have read. One last post for the year, not my best and not my worst.

One last post before I head downstairs to grab a bite to eat and disconnect from the computer.

And one last moment to tell 2014 I am done with you. Go on, get out and stay out of my way. I have made my intentions known and the decisions are conspiring with the universe to make it happen.

Begone you, I won’t be messed with, played with or engage in any more of your tomfoolery. No more bamboozling, conundrums or chicanery here.

Try any of that and I’ll give you some shoe leather to taste, yeah, I’ll put the boot to you. 🙂

Be safe all. Enjoy NYE and I’ll see you on the other side.

  1. She Saved My Heart
  2. The Best Cover Letter….Ever
  3. One Slightly Used Pump For Sale
  4. Some Things I’ll Teach My Children (Updated)
  5. Why Steve Jobs Isn’t Important Now
  6. Mean Girls Come From Mean Moms
  7. There Are No Coincidences
  8. The Most Important Things In Life
  9. Thank You Lewis Black- If It Weren’t For My Horse
  10. Your Blog Bores Me
  11. How Some People Are Using Triberr To Kill Blogging
  12. Jesus Hates Tim Tebow & 17 Other Reasons Why Your Blog is a Failure
  13. He Didn’t Die
  14. The Pinterest Predicament & The Rule Of Four
  15. I Should Have Slept With Her…. Again
  16. When Mean Girls Grow Up
  17. The Most Valuable Possession
  18. If You Could Do Anything What Would You Do?
  19. My Children Confront Death Again
  20. He Died A Hero
  21. A Whiter Shade Of Pale
  22. How Frequently Should You Update Your Blog?
  23. Don’t Worry About What You Can’t Control Part 2
  24. Spit Or Swallow
  25. And Justice For All
  26. It Wasn’t Worth Getting Arrested
  27. The Phone Sex Surprise
  28. 100 Best Movie Lines in 200 Seconds
  29. Writers Write Right
  30. The Rhythm Of Life
  31. Dear Children- Don’t Ask For Approval
  32. A Blogger’s Guide To Writing a Five Minute Post
  33. There Are Boundaries In Blogging
  34. What Is The Value of A Comment?
  35. 69 Reasons Why Fathers Make Better Lovers
  36. The Biggest Challenge Most Bloggers Face
  37. How A Dad Blogger Uses Amazon To Make Money From Writing
  38. I Hate Toys That Make Noise
  39. What Kind Of Friend Are You?
  40. The Greatest Dad Blogger Of Them All
  41. Grandpa
  42. The 100 Year Old Penny
  43. The Song Of My Heart Makes My Soul Sing
  44. Is It Intuition Or Desire?
  45. Generations- They Are All Gone Now
  46. The Best Thing My Father Ever Said To Me
  47. Dad Bloggers Get Paid To Blog
  48. Blogging Is Not An Obligation
  49. Lessons For Being Human
  50. New Year’s Eve
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Filed Under: Narishkeit

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