Archives for February 2015

Mr. Spock, Friends & Blog Comments

Kirk & Spock

For those who don’t want or can’t listen to the audio above:

After almost 11 years of blogging I have used and or wrestled with a million different commenting systems. Each time I have made a switch it was with the goal of making it easier for people to comment, deal with spam and try to build community.

Every system has their pros and cons.

This week two different people told me that DISQUS is creating issues for them and because of this they are unable to comment so I am curious if there are others who are having trouble.

What Kind Of Friend Do You Want To Be?

Earlier this month I ran a post about friendship called What Kind Of Friend Do You Want To Be?

It included the goodbye between Kirk and Spock. Since Leonard Nimoy died today I thought about it again.

Live long and prosper.

69 Ways To Insult People While Having Sex Or Blogging

My dear Shmata Queen will yell at me if I say a day in cleveland felt like a life sentence so I won’t make any cracks about it but I will say today feels like I was drowning in stupidity and none of it was my own.

Would have been easier to deal with because I would have kicked my own ass and gotten out of my own way. There is nothing more frustrating than knowing than the reason you are covered in shadows is because you are standing in your own sunshine, but that wasn’t the situation today.

It would have been better if I could have blamed it upon the Zombie Apocalypse because zombies aren’t thinking creatures but that wasn’t the case either.

genius

I might not be a super genius but no one is going to describe me as fucking stupid unless they want me to demonstrate the finer side of my Taurus nature. 🙂

P.S. Sometimes you need to just let loose and write. Try not to take this crap too seriously- thus spaketh Jack, Master Ninja of social media- a guru of all things social. Also known as the rude, base, vulgar and lazy dad blogger. 😉 69 Reasons Why Fathers Make Better Lovers

Got a pair of Bose noise reduction headphones on my head while The Guess Who is singing No Time and I try to decompress.

The headphones were a business purchase I made last year because when you work out of the house you need to find ways to eliminate some of the chaos that kids, dogs and gardeners bring.

There’s no time left for you, No time left for you

When I was 25 I felt like I had an endless amount of time to use. Life felt like one giant gift that was filled with countless boxes I could open and check out.

Twenty some years later I hear the tick-tock of an internal clock and though I can’t see the end of the road I am riding on I know I am closer to it than I once was so I am more determined to focus my efforts on the people and places that mean the most to me.

I hate the idea of wasting time unless it is my choice to do so which probably helps explain why today set me off because it is the second day where I wasn’t as productive as I wanted to be.

Last night at basketball one of the guys told me I play well for a guy who is pushing forty.

It was a compliment.

He had no clue I am closer to 50 than 30. No clue that some days I wonder how long I can maintain it all. I am high energy, but I don’t have all I used to have and I wonder how much is related to stress and how much to age/mileage.

At 25 I didn’t know where I was going but now I have a pretty damn good idea which I suppose is part of the reason I am frustrated.

It is also fair to say I am intolerant now of spending more time with what doesn’t fill my heart and soul than I was then.

Today I make a point of being present in the now but I am raring to charge into my future.

69 Ways To Insult People While Having Sex Or Blogging

That is pure unadulterated linkbait.

Some people tell me that it doesn’t work but experience has proven them wrong. Posts like
Things Bloggers Say During Sex and 69 Reasons Why Fathers Make Better Lovers have been among the most heavily read here and sometimes among those that generated the most comments.

They may not always be as eloquent as Lessons for Being Human or The Silly Versus The Sublime but I had fun writing them and sometimes that is more important than being well written.

I like to read through some of these old posts to see if I am still talking about doing the same things or if I have actually gone and done them.

One of the lessons I want my children to learn is that you are not allowed to complain about things unless you are willing to do something about them.

It drives me crazy to hear people whine about what they won’t try to fix and that is part of why I read the old posts because I don’t want to be a hypocrite.

I want to look back and see that I have made progress and if it turns out I haven’t then that is on me.

The only person I can hold accountable for my life is me.

What I Want From Blogging

Sometimes I read posts other bloggers write and realize I really have become one of the cranky old men of the blogosphere.

I read about how they wish more brands worked with them and how they are jealous of other bloggers and I shake my head because I hate the drivel they put out.

Poorly written drivel about how they used weasel words to convince a brand to give them free crap they would review and or giveaway.

And then I ask myself if I am irritated because they got something I wanted or have done something I hoped to do and didn’t.

I ask myself if it is jealousy.

I ask if people would roll their eyes at my posts.

Sometimes the answer is yes.

That is why I ask myself what I want from blogging because it is how I determine if I am on the right path or not.

*****

Today I remind myself that I am getting most of what I want from blogging. I have a place where I can actively work on my writing and focus on becoming a better storyteller.

A place where I can chronicle important moments and events in my life and my children.

This is where I take stock of my life and say today it is not yet where I want it to be. But one of the nice things about the blog is it’s also a cyber yardstick so I can see where I was and how far I have come.

That future I am raring to go to is much closer than it was.

Progress feels good. Maybe I was more productive than I thought.

Men Shouldn’t Hold Their Feelings In

Editor’s Note: This post originally ran here but the world needs more silliness today so I am trying to help. New post coming later.

Not long ago I received an email from someone who said that I shouldn’t be such a serious blogger. I thanked them profusely for their advice and then asked them if they were a Nigerian prince who just happened to be interested in sharing their fortune with me.

Sadly they were not…interested in sharing their fortune with me.  I haven’t any clue as to whether they really were a Nigerian prince and or wealthy. That is because they didn’t respond to my email. It hurt my feelings and I decided to send them a letter letting them know this.

That is because I have been taught that men shouldn’t hold our feelings in. It is bad for our hearts or so I was told.

So I wrote him a letter that looked something like this.

“Dear Mr. Foosengoosen,

I am quite upset with your lack of response regarding my inquiry into your lineage and personal wealth. If you are indeed a Nigerian prince you should let me know immediately and should also consider  sharing your fortune with me.

There are many reasons why you should do this not the least of which is because I said please…twice. Hell, if you were my employer and I were a millenial you would be able to expect to receive a strongly worded letter and  a telephone call from my parents about your rude behavior.

That lack of response might have sent me over the edge because I grew up in a world in which unicorns were plentiful, rainbows colorful and everyone received a trophy for being able to breathe.

Sadly this is not the world I grew up in. I come from the seventies a time of bad fashion and silly television shows. We were harder and meaner than the kids today. I would have gone sweathog on your and told you to shove a hose up your nose or some such thing.

And it is entirely possible that I might have even dipped into the eighties and pulled Miyagi out to train me to kick your ass. We aren’t talking about the nice guy from Happy Days either. No, you won’t be saved by Mr. C. The Fonz can’t protect you nor will Ritchie, Potsie or Ralph Malph.

And let’s not forget what happened to Ritchie’s older brother Chuck. The dude disappeared. I could make that happen to you too.

Why So Serious

Great Googly Moogly Foosengoosen, you have the weirdest name of any Nigerian Prince I have ever known. Not that I have known any in real life or online. Don’t ask me if I knew any in the biblical sense of the word either. The last thing I need to do is say that I support Gay Marriage wholeheartedly but think that kisisng a man is repulsive.

That is because the last time I had that conversation here I got flamed by some loser who wanted to know if I was worried about the Gay agenda which according to him consists of having sex with lots of partners. Now my dear Foosengoosen I have to confess that there was a time when I wanted to have sex with lots of partners, just not at the same time or with men.

Am not bothered by men wanting to sleep with men provided I don’t have to do it or see it. But I don’t really want to watch a man or a woman have sex either. Besides if I did I would have to pretend to be Howard Cosell doing play -by-play .

Now that could have been special. Just imagine what that would have sounded like:

“This is Howard Cosell. Tonight we are seeing something momentous, a boy is about to become a man. I once talked to a young Cassius Clay about such a thing and thanks to my advice he remembered to pump slowly so that…”

Screeching Halt

Sorry Foosengoosen this is family blog so I can’t go into more details.

But what I can tell you is that because you are a selfish bastard I am not inviting you to join me on the great Ikea adventure. That is going to be big and amazing. The great Ikea adventure is the day where I go switch all of the signs at Ikea with fake ones that I have made.

It could be one of the all time greatest pranks and you aren’t going to be a part of it. You won’t be there when I switch the Hoskenflosked with a Skeezendozenker or the Gartleskin with a Crapyouneedenskin.

Sorry, about that, but you brought this punishment down upon yourself. And don’t try to weasel out of it by offering me a couple of chickens and a water buffalo either. I am not bought that easily.

Really, a man of my distinction needs more than that. Give me a black lion and a Bengal tiger and we can start talking.

Humping, Cars, Tools & Technology

1977 Chevy Camaro 01

I had a ’77 Camaro that was a lighter blue than this one. I miss it.

Audio blogging has been one of my favorite tools for building engagement with readers.

Those of you who have been around for a while know I first got into it when Blogger had their partnership with Audioblogger circa 2004-06 or so.

Back then if you embedded voice into your posts it made you really cool. Today it just makes you a regular blogger.

Anyhoo when Audioblogger went the way of the dinosaurs I spent time searching for and trying out a variety of alternatives.

A few years ago I started using Audioboom (previously Audioboo) for my audio blogging and overall I have been pretty happy with it with one exception.

The Android app was awful so I couldn’t do any sort of mobile audioblogging using the platform but that changed today.

I downloaded the new and improved Audioboom app for Android because I wanted to see if it provided a significant improvement over the old app or not.

The post below was recorded on my Galaxy Note 4 using the new app. The quality of the recording is far superior to what was rendered using the prior app.

Life Doesn’t Cooperate With Blogging

I have this idea that somewhere at the end of the tracks there is a place that provides sanctuary that isn’t called Terminus.


tracks

A belief that somewhere there is a magical rest stop waiting for me to find it, a place where time will stand still just long enough for me to recharge my batteries and prepare for the next stop on my journey.

My personal Rivendell (yeah I am geeking it up today) must be there but my best guess is it is going to be different than I expect but it will still work for me because I’ll make it work.

I’ll make it work because that is what is required and most of the time I am good with that. Most of the time I don’t get irritated that life refuses to cooperate with my plans for blogging and anything else.

What I Intended To Do

What I intended to do was write a post about why I want to share Twenty-Five Links That Will Make You A Better Writer/Blogger with you.

The mental image I had in my head was for a post that could have real potential instead I am stuck with a seven minute brain dump.

Seven minutes to write this post while I wait for the Auto Club to show up so that I can take my car to the shop.

Why do cars only break down when cash is tight.

That last line was rhetorical.

So instead of providing you with the amazing post I pictured in my head you get this and a couple of comments.

When Life Doesn’t Cooperate With Blogging

When life doesn’t cooperate with blogging and it kills the block of the time I had for writing I usually try to do something anyway.

I see merit in training myself to be able to produce content under virtually any circumstances and figure I might as when the opportunity arises I might as well practice.

Some people say you shouldn’t post unless it is perfect but I am not one of them. I say chase perfection but understand you’ll never catch it and that if you only publish what you think is amazing you won’t publish much.

Besides predicting what will or won’t hit can be a rough business. Sometimes the posts you think are the best don’t generate a peep and the stuff you think is fair goes gang busters.

And now I am off to the mechanic where I’ll probably find more fodder for posts and try not to go ballistic if this is more serious than I think.

The benefit of not having my kids around is they won’t interrupt or interject during conversations with the guy but that is a whole different post.